Ground Zero Islamic Cooking School: The Curriculum

Overlooked in the brouhaha over the Ground Zero Islamic Center is the cooking school to be located within the building. Although the place is still years from completion, Short Order has obtained preliminary descriptions of five courses to be included in the curriculum.

1. Burqa in the Kitchen: How to Make It Work
Celebrated professor Abdul-Wadood Hariri lectures women about proper kitchen wear and puts to rest any apprehension they might have about wearing a full burqa while preparing food. Lecture topics will include Ten Ways to Remove Tahini Stains; How to Turn Profuse Sweat to Your Advantage; and the Importance of Flameproof Burqas.

2. Make Your Own Pita Bread
Superstar pastry chef, teacher, lecturer, and cookbook author Sameera Sulaiman ("Laffa And The World Laffas With You") offers detailed instructions on how to turn flour, water, and a pinch of imagination into the world's most circular bread.

3. Falafel History 101
Acclaimed professor Jamal-al Din Ali delves into the complex history of the chic pea fritter. Lectures will cover the invention of falafel by Mohammed, as well as the creation of pocket bread by Pasha "Peter" Nizzar, and how when giving credit they spelled his name wrong. Israel's theft of the falafel will likewise be explained, with debates as to whether or not their addition of diced tomatoes and cucumbers to the sandwich is enough offense to declare a fatwa.

4. Ramadan: The Twinkie Exception
Controversial lecturer and author Haddad Rasheed Rahaim ("Hamas And Eggs: The Superiority Of Islamic Chickens"), best known for his assertion that rubber bullets used by Israeli security forces are really hardened falafel pellets, will focus on his latest theory: Because the Twinkie cannot in good conscience be labeled a "food", it should therefore be perfectly acceptable for Muslims to ingest as many as they like during the Ramadan fast.

5. The Secret to a Perfect Hummus
World famous chef and television personality Ali Omar ("Diners, Drive-Ins, and Mosques") will go through the hummus-making process step-by-step. Students will become proficient at soaking and boiling chic peas, and master the subtleties of combining tahini, lemon juice and olive oil. Lecture topics include: Garlic: Careful, Not Too Much!, and Is Laffa Bread Really Worth The Extra Two Dollars?

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Miami New Times' restaurant reviewer for the past decade, and the world's indisputable master of disguise.
Contact: Lee Klein