Fidel Castro may indeed be 83 percent dead, based on our crack team of unpaid but enthusiastic scientists' latest calculations, but that 17 percent still kickin' can spin a better conspiracy theory than Rush Limbaugh.
(On second thought, isn't Castro basically Cuba's Rush at this point? He spends his days spouting insane rhetoric on horribly unreliable media that somehow garner gigantic audiences. And he secretly runs the country in his free time. This is actually too depressing a thought to continue.)
Anyway, Castro just had himself a doozy of a week dreaming up imperialist plots.
First, after Israel's botched raid on a Palestinian aid flotilla, Castro declared that the disaster proved Obama could only win a second term by attacking Iran with nuclear weapons.
"Could Obama enjoy the emotions of a second presidential election without having the Pentagon or the State of Israel, whose conduct does not in the least obey the decisions of the United States, use nuclear weapons against Iran?" he asked in a column, according to AP.
Yes, if there's one thing U.S. voters are really looking for at the moment, it's another military conflict.
To that end, Fidel on Saturday offered an even bolder assessment of Obama's secret strategery. The Bearded One writes that the U.S. sank a South Korean warship in March to spark a conflict with North Korea.
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Castro says Navy SEALS bombed the South Korean ship, killing several dozen sailors and bringing the peninsula to the brink of war, to convince Japan to allow the U.S. base at Okinawa to stay open.
That sounds logical and not at all like something your crazy Uncle Joe in the nursing home tells you between rambling tales of why life was better when Ovaltine was more popular.
In a final touch fitting for such an inspired bout of creative writing, Castro then turns the tables and accuses Obama of being out of touch with reality.
"(Obama) makes concessions to personalities and groups totally lacking in ethics and draws fantasy worlds that only fit in his head and that unscrupulous advisers, knowing his tendencies, plant in his mind," he writes.