A lot of weird things happen in Florida. We're here every Friday morning to give you the week's weirdest.
This week, that includes meth-heads armed with a toilet, a babysitter who stabbed a DILF, and a gross story about butts in a Taco Bell that probably doesn't end how you think it will.
Babysitter Stabs Dad for Not Having Sex With Her
Shakieria Anquanette Shan Long wanted to have something penetrated and leaking, and she got her wish. Sorta.
Long, 22, apparently began feeling all sorts of sexual urges for Eugene Sylvester, a father whose children she babysits. The two were at a barbecue earlier this month in Fort Pierce when Long started screaming at Sylvester to have sex with her. The alleged DILF refused Long's indelicate advances.
Long then followed Sylvester into his bedroom and stabbed him with a knife. She emerged to tell another partygoer what she had done and that Sylvester was "leaking."
When police arrived, Sylvester explained he didn't want to have sex with Long because she had been drinking too much. His wounds required only a few stitches and he didn't want to press charges, but Long was arrested anyway.
Florida Man Gropes Taco Bell Worker Through Drive-in Window
Bradenton resident Philip Neri Guerrero was arrested Saturday after driving up to a Taco Bell window, getting out of his car, and then reaching through the window to grab a woman's rear end.
There are a lot of horrible jokes to be made about thinking outside the bun and tacos here, and we won't go there. Mostly we're just wondering why anyone would want to be near anyone else's ass inside a Taco Bell. That's pretty much the golden rule of Taco Bell: Stay at least three feet away from any ass.
Meth-Heads Arms Themselves With Toilet to Fend Off Imaginary Attackers
Three people in Jackson County called police to say they had holed themselves up on the second floor of a home after being attacked by a group of mystery assailants. Police arrived to found that the trio had armed themselves with a 12-gauge shotgun, a .22 rifle, and a commode.
They'd apparently ripped a toilet from the floor and threw it out a second-story window to protect themselves from the attackers. They also threw "sheet rock, wood, firearm parts, and anything they could tear out." Everything but the kitchen sink. But that's just because they had already thrown a bathroom sink.
Police could not find any evidence that anyone else had been in the home that night. What they did find was a shake-a-bake meth lab and three new inmates for the county jail.
Florida Restaurant Bans Ketchup for Anyone Older Than 10
A Fort Myers restaurant says it will deny ketchup to any diner over the age of 10. The place is called Mad Fresh Bistro. Personally, we wouldn't take taste advice from a place that sounds like a rejected Doritos flavor.
"My burger has got a sauce on it already," says chef and owner Xavier Duclos. "There's no point in adding a sweet sauce on top of that. I think ketchup is edible -- on certain things. I'll give it that much. But it's just not part of my culinary agenda."
Mind you, this is a culinary agenda that has taken him all the way to serving the discerning palates of Fort Myers, Florida.
Dude, your biggest competitors in the fine-dining sphere there are Cracker Barrel, Popeye's, and the nacho machine at 7 Eleven. Tone it down a little.
Grandmother Lets 3-Year-Old Drive Car
Volanda Cousar, 47, was arrested for letting her 3-year-old grandson steer her car. The car promptly struck another vehicle head on, backed up, and hit another car.
Grandma faces charges of child abuse and careless driving. The boy should be sentenced to give driver's licenses in Hialeah.
Florida Congressman Hosts "Men's Only" Fundraiser
Buzzfeed revealed that Florida Congressman Steve Southerland, a Republican from the state's second district, held a "men's only" fundraiser in March.
"Tell the Misses not to wait up because the after dinner whiskey and cigars will be smooth and the issues to discuss are many," the invitation read.
Opponents are decrying sexism, but really, what's the fuss? Knowing the wives of rich Florida Republicans, we assume they probably spent the night with their tennis instructors anyway. It's all good, plus their backhand has really improved since they met Sergio.
After news of the men's-only fundraiser broke, Riptide can reveal that Charlie Crist has in fact not changed his political party back to Democrat.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.