Who the El

On January 30 the Miami Fusion soccer team signed Peruvian forward Jerry “El Samurai” Tamashiro to a multiyear contract. Tamashiro becomes the second El Somebody to sign with the Fusion and at least the fifth El Whatever to appear recently in the news. How the El do you tell them apart?

Nickname: El Samurai
Real Name: Jerry Tamashiro
Claim to Fame: Played for Peruvian Champion Alianza Lima
Distinguishing Characteristics: “Has a good nose for the goal”
Current Status: Fusion Forward

Nickname: El Phibe
Real Name: Carlos Valderrama
Claim to Fame: Captain of the Columbian National Soccer Team
Distinguishing Characteristics: Blond Fright Wig
Current Status: Fusion Midfielder

Nickname: El Duque
Real Name: Orlando Hernandez
Claim to Fame: Half-Brother of Marlins World Seried MVP Levan Hernandez

Distinguishing Characteristics: May be five years older than his stated age of 28

Current Status: Defected from Cuba and looking to break into major league baseball

Nickname: El Papa
Real Name: Karol Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II)
Claim to Fame: Fidel Castro’s Spiritual Advisor
Distinguishing Characteristics: Funny Hat
Current Status: Reportedly battling Parkinson’s Disease

Nickname: El Nino
Real Name: El Nino
Claim to Fame: A weather phenomenon blamed for mudslides in Los Angeles, tornadoes in West Dade, and the Denver Broncos victory in the Super Bowl

Distinguishing Characteristics: Temperature Tantrums
Current Status: Destroyed Hialeah; may have played a role in this Monica Lewinsky thing