We're pretty sure Amendment 4 has something to do with putting land-use and zoning issues up to a public vote-- giving voters veto power over elected officials. But when we try to fathom anything beyond that one sentence-- which took us forty-five minutes to write-- our head hurts so we go home and turn on the television to see if Judge Judy is on, and we end up watching commercials telling us to vote/not vote for Amendment 4. And that's when shit get's really weird.
Here's what our TV and internet has been telling us about Amendment 4:
1. It's pro bongos.
No instrument is more ominously ethnic than the bongo. Well, maybe the didgeridoo. Anyway, here is the horrifying tale of a white businesswoman who tried to rid St. Pete Beach of a "bongo bar" in order to build a hotel for white businesswomen, but an Amendment 4-esque law stopped her. The humanity! The Resident Evil-esque sepia tones!
2. It will save Florida from armies of corrupt zombie politicians.
According to this ad, Florida has seen seven politicians arrested a month for the last ten years. When it comes to corruption, we make Juarez look like Manitoba. Amendment 4 will render our scheming public officials powerless, and will also save us from "higher taxes, empty strip malls, bad traffic, and crowded schools." But will it cut off Perez Hilton's internet access and vacuum sand from our ass cracks every time we return from the beach?
3. Only Nazis, perverts, and other assorted freaks like it.
Some of the groups funding Amendment 4 are special interest lawyers, the Sierra Club, adult entertainment interests and population-control advocates.
4. It will save talking animals from extinction.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
5. Bobra Bush fucking hates it.
That's not a horribly idiotic typo -- apparently there's this other white businesswoman who is named Bobra Bush. If you squint really hard and barely listen while watching this, you can convince yourself that the former First Lady is telling you to vote against Amendment 4 -- which is why, we're guessing, Bobra Bush got her own commercial.