| Columns |

Vancouver, Schmancouver -- Let's Pan to the Morons of the Week Medal Ceremony

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Olympic athletes sure are incredible -- or at least that's what the people on television keep telling us -- but South Florida's morons perform far more unbelievable feats on a weekly basis. We've had a road-raging woman complete a seven-felony dash in 3.7 seconds. An old man shot his foot in the shower, which seems a lot more difficult to do than climbing into a luge and letting go. And this week, we will put another medal on legendary champion Confused Racist Airplane Screamer -- our version of Michael Phelps.

Let's see who we've stuffed onto the podium this week:

5. Whoever put a dead body in this plane's wheel well:

This is one of those news-blurb stories that make no sense and will never be explained. We just have to be very Zen about it or we'll go insane.

4. The ex-ICE agent sentenced to only two years for selling law-enforcement information to smugglers (and the judge who sentenced him)

According to the AP:

Authorities say [Richard Padilla] Cramer helped drug smugglers discover if there was an informant in their ranks. Cramer was originally accused of investing in a 660-pound cocaine load, but those charges were dropped as part of a plea deal.

U.S. District Judge Paul Huck cited Cramer's Vietnam military service and three-decade law enforcement career as reasons for imposing a relatively light sentence.

I know we're just the guys that write the Morons of the Week column, but... d'ya think maybe his time in law enforcement shouldn't get him a better sentence if he might have spent that time telling cartels which informants to kill? Just a thought.

3. Mansor Mohammad Ansor, fined $27,500 for yelling, "I want to kill all Jews," on an airplane in January.

A 2010 Nissan Altima with all the extras, or five minutes spent screaming like a raving imbecile on a tarmac? We're not sure Mansor made the wisest investment here.

By the way, he was also banned from flying or taking trains for the next three years. We pity the passengers who have to share a Greyhound bus with this guy back to his hometown of Toledo, Ohio.

2. The Tomato Avenger, who broke a dude's neck when the dude allowed his daughter to pick a tomato from a field

This story was weird when we thought it was some HGH-addled farmer going a little overboard on protecting his property. But then we read this: "Investigators determined that the attacker had no connection to the property."

What the hell? Is there an out-of-control produce-protecting superhero on the loose?

1. The Norland High School monitor who did nothing as students fought

Maybe the monitor just took the job title too seriously. Perhaps the school should have named the position "monitor and freakin' do something when the students start beating the ever-lovin' shit out of each other." But would that fit on a W-2?

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.