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| Columns |

Vancouver, Schmancouver -- Let's Pan to the Morons of the Week Medal Ceremony

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Olympic athletes sure are incredible -- or at least that's what the people on television keep telling us -- but South Florida's morons perform far more unbelievable feats on a weekly basis. We've had a road-raging woman complete a seven-felony dash in 3.7 seconds. An old man shot his foot in the shower, which seems a lot more difficult to do than climbing into a luge and letting go. And this week, we will put another medal on legendary champion Confused Racist Airplane Screamer -- our version of Michael Phelps.

Let's see who we've stuffed onto the podium this week:

5. Whoever put a dead body in this plane's wheel well:

This is one of those news-blurb stories that make no sense and will never be explained. We just have to be very Zen about it or we'll go insane.

4. The ex-ICE agent sentenced to only two years for selling law-enforcement information to smugglers (and the judge who sentenced him)

According to the AP:

Authorities say [Richard Padilla] Cramer helped drug smugglers discover if there was an informant in their ranks. Cramer was originally accused of investing in a 660-pound cocaine load, but those charges were dropped as part of a plea deal.

U.S. District Judge Paul Huck cited Cramer's Vietnam military service and three-decade law enforcement career as reasons for imposing a relatively light sentence.

I know we're just the guys that write the Morons of the Week column, but... d'ya think maybe his time in law enforcement shouldn't get him a better sentence if he might have spent that time telling cartels which informants to kill? Just a thought.

3. Mansor Mohammad Ansor, fined $27,500 for yelling, "I want to kill all Jews," on an airplane in January.

A 2010 Nissan Altima with all the extras, or five minutes spent screaming like a raving imbecile on a tarmac? We're not sure Mansor made the wisest investment here.

By the way, he was also banned from flying or taking trains for the next three years. We pity the passengers who have to share a Greyhound bus with this guy back to his hometown of Toledo, Ohio.

2. The Tomato Avenger, who broke a dude's neck when the dude allowed his daughter to pick a tomato from a field

This story was weird when we thought it was some HGH-addled farmer going a little overboard on protecting his property. But then we read this: "Investigators determined that the attacker had no connection to the property."

What the hell? Is there an out-of-control produce-protecting superhero on the loose?

1. The Norland High School monitor who did nothing as students fought

Maybe the monitor just took the job title too seriously. Perhaps the school should have named the position "monitor and freakin' do something when the students start beating the ever-lovin' shit out of each other." But would that fit on a W-2?

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