University of Florida named best school in country (at which to get a penis crudely drawn onto your forehead)

A University of Florida student takes a moment to unwind between classes.

As if they needed another excuse to celebrate, students at the University of Florida have just been ranked number one in the country by the Princeton Review. Not in any academic category. That would be, like, totally lame. As reported in the Miami Herald, the Review has declared Florida the nation’s top party school—a dubious distinction, one might think. That is, unless one is named Brad, wears a pink polo shirt with collar turned up, and enjoys such lively activities as hogging with one’s wingman. Since that description covers roughly 83% of UF’s student body, we’ll consider this good news.

The university has placed somewhere on the Top 20 party list for the last fifteen years, but this is the first time the school has wrested the grain alcohol-filled 1st place trophy from such keg-stand juggernauts as West Virginia University and the University of Mississippi. A University spokesman quoted by the Herald, Steve Orlando, graciously concedes that his school’s most prolific alcoholics, while dedicated to their craft, couldn’t have gone that extra puke-stained mile without the inspiration of some really fucking awesome sports teams: "The fact that we have three national championships in two years is probably a major contributing factor. We know our students like to have a good time."

Orlando is the type of guy that will, you know, punch you in the face and then buy you a Natty Ice. Stand-up bro.

The spokesperson we got, on the other hand, was a total buzzkill in comparison. We may have dialed the wrong department. “When something like this comes out,” says Maureen Miller, an Alcohol and other Drugs Prevention Specialist at the university, “there’s a tendency to focus on it and publicize it. It isn’t very helpful to our effort. The University of Florida really has so many other things to offer, and so many other things that we’re proud of.”

“The survey is certainly not scientific,” she adds, “and we really don’t place a lot of merit in the rankings.”

Who invited the scornful Quaker to the toga party?

Anyway, if the university is indeed trying to battle its frat-tastic reputation, this story, which came out a day after the Princeton rankings were announced, might not help its cause.

- Gus Garcia-Roberts

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Gus Garcia-Roberts