Ukrainian Strippers, Cults, and Mike Tyson: Top Five Ways to Completely Blow an Election

​It's August 24, and you've woken up sweating profusely, feeling vaguely nauseated, and recoiling in horror at the first sight of a campaign ad. The diagnosis? Primary fever! (Or it might be Cat Scratch Fever. Or dengue. But let's go with Primary Fever).

Even for Florida, this has been a primary to take psychotropic drugs in a desperate attempt to forget. Candidates have created brand new ways -- never before conceived by human beings -- to horrify voters and blow elections. They've hired rent-boy abusing ministers, invited Mike Tyson to snort mountains of coke on their yacht trips and led cult-like churches. We can't make this shit up. So instead, we've put together a top five list.

5. Spend a Decade Leading A Church That's Probably A Suicide-Inducing Cult 

4. Commission a Historical Monument And Then Secretly Put Your Face On It

If you're running for office in Florida (or New York/New Jersey) and you'd like even a single Cuban person to vote for you, keep this one very simple rule in mind: Do not, under any circumstances, take your 145-foot pleasure yacht to the Land of Fidel to hang out for the afternoon drinking mojitos on the Malecon. Actually, let's go ahead and make this one a life rule. At some point you may find yourself tempted to let Mike Tyson aboard your massive luxury yacht. He's got those cool gold teeth, and you loved playing his Nintendo game back in the day. And he was so funny in the Hangover, with the Phil Collins and the tiger!
In a race filled with despicable crimes and horrible lies, Attorney General Bill McCollum managed the extraordinary feat of making Rick Scott -- a man whose company earned the biggest fraud fine in U.S. history -- look like a pretty decent guy. How did he pull that off?

By spending $120,000 in tax dollars to hire George Rekers, a disgusting hypocrite of a man who makes his living making up science to "prove" that gay couples shouldn't be allowed to adopt children. Or we should say "made his living" because Rekers is done after New Times busted him returning from a European sex holiday with a rent boy paid to perform the "long stroke."

Now McCollum is trailing Scott and by tomorrow should be sent packing to the retirement home for horrible political failures, where he and Jeff Greene can spend long afternoons playing canasta and cursing out Mike Tyson and Rent Boy Rekers to the nurses. 

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