4
| Sports |

Tuna Anyone?

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

When your franchise is drowning, don't throw them a life-preserver. Throw 'em some man-boobs!

Greg Camarillo saves our souls from ruin and suddenly the flood-gates of dewy goodness have opened up for us in abundance. The interwebs have been going apeshit all day Wednesday. The reports were ongoing all day. "Bill Parcells is going to Atlanta." "No, he isn't, he's coming here." "What the fuck you talkin' bout Willis? No he ain't!" "I'm tellin' you he's coming here for fuck sake!" And so on.

Parcells has accepted a four-year deal with the Fins and will be The Big Cock in town. Which means Cam Cameron and Randy Mueller's job security have pretty much gone from eating a pound of Mylantas a day, to stomach blowing up John Hurt-style.

My initial reaction to this news was simple. I was quietly optimistic on the outside, tap dancing with arm twirls and jazz hands on the inside. My feelings were then summed up when my buddy Layne asked me about the whole thing. Yes that's his real name. Layne's a Patriots fan. He's also a complete douche.

But Armando Salguero of the Miami Herald has finally, officially, indubitably, made it official: Bill Parcells is the new man in charge of football operations for your Miami Dolphins.

Holy. And shit.

Layne: Hey, did you hear the news about Parcells to the Dolphins?

Me: Yea. It’s just so serendipitous.

Layne: What’s serendipitous?

Me: You know. That we came this close to going 0-16 after having such a crappy off-season and things were looking so bleak and we’ve been the laughing stock of the NFL. Then, in the wink of an eye, we have a guy who’s known for turning bad teams around running our football ops.

Layne: No. I mean, what does serendipitous mean?

I've been leery of wanting Parcells as our head coach. His ornery guy act grew tiresome pretty quickly in Dallas. And the last thing we needed down here was another asshole yelling at reporters after every loss and making shit even more miserable than they already are. But as long as he's in the front-office, calling the shots with our drafts and off-season signings, and focusing solely on the on-field talent and scouting and nothing else -- then I am all for it. And I'm pretty damned excited about it.

Parcells is just what this organization needs. The Four Horsemen of the Crapocalypse (JJ, Dave, Spielman & Saban) sprayed their diarrhea all over this franchise, leaving us all with no place to take a shit in peace (wow that metaphor just took on a life of its own). Now Parcells is here to not only clean up their mess, but completely tear down and build back up.

That number one overall pick in April just went from "Oh shit, how are they gonna fuck this one up?" status, to ... "Oh shit, what magic will Parcells pull out of his ass with this one?" status.

Behold the power of the man-boobs. -- Chris Joseph

Read more on sports by Chris Joseph at FinsNation.com

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.