For a more thorough and humorous review of every Miami Dolphins player who shat himself during yesterday's 46-34 loss to the New Orleans Saints, see Chris Joseph's post from this morning. I care only about my boy, Ted Ginn, Jr., who managed to sneak past Darrelle Revis two weeks ago against the Jets and run underneath the most perfect pass in the history of passes for a 53-yard touchdown, thereby fooling us momentarily into believing in him.
As we now know, Ginn's catch was merely a ploy to get us to spread our legs for the massive groin-punch (Lady Fins Fans, I know you felt it too) he was preparing for us during the bye week, as evidenced by his drive-killing drop in the 4th quarter and his miraculous tip to Darren Sharper, who ran the interception back for a TD, in the 3rd quarter.
I could unleash another tirade, but I'm the forgiving, forward-thinking sort of Liberal who believes every situation can be made into something positive. So instead, I submit to you the Top Ten Ways Ted Ginn Can Repay the City of Miami.
10. Build a time machine, go back to 1993, and take up tennis.
9. Dress up as Edward Rubberhands for Halloween.
8. Swim to Cuba, depose the Castro Bros., and hold democratic elections.
7. Buy every vacant condo unit downtown and turn them into affordable housing.
6. Steal every single Romero Britto sculpture, melt them down into the liquid crap they're forged from, and fertilize Homestead's family farms.
5. Convince his dad, Ted Ginn, Sr., the Michael Jordan of Educators, to move the Ginn Academy to Miami.
4. Get bitten by a radioactive spider.
3. Set up Channing Crowder and Gibril Wilson to fall in love, so they quit football and run away to South Beach.
2. Direct traffic at Biscayne Blvd and 36th Street.
1. You're an Ohio guy. Get LeBron to sign with the Heat on July 1, 2010 and we'll call it even.