Tony Sparano is downsizing.
Not just his ambitions for the Dolphins' season. Those went out the window weeks ago. No, he's downgrading his personal grandeur as well. The buzz-cutted-est coach in the NFL is selling his $1.7 million mansion in Davie.
While many critics have gleefully taken it as a sign of his imminent firing, Riptide isn't ready to celebrate yet. Instead, we're taking you on a virtual tour of his giant monument to coaching failure.
Think of it as Cribs: Suck for Luck edition.
Radio station 790 The Ticket first reported Sparano was selling his digs. The asking price: $1.4999 million, down 200K from when Tony and wife Jeanette bought it in 2008, according to Broward County records.
It's fitting that Sparano's investment mirrors that of the Dolphins: three years wasted with nothing but a big loss to show for it.
The Miami Herald reports Sparano is not quitting. Instead, he's just downsizing because he's lonely.
"When I moved into my house, I had seven people," he said. "My daughter just moved out two weeks ago to go to college in Texas. I have zero people, nobody upstairs. And where do I love to be? Besides here? The beach. We are empty-nesters, as we speak."
Sorry, Tony. No sympathy for you here. We're pretty sure a beached manatee could call better plays than you have so far.
So to stoke your schadenfreude and soften the rest of this long and miserable season, here are some photos of what Sparano is giving up.
This is the dining room where Tony silently eats his meals after each soul-crushing defeat.
When you're 0-6, you better have a well-stocked bar and a giant painting to remind yourself that you are drinking away your miseries.
Bubble baths hide the tears.
Do Canadian Football League coaches still get pools?
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The film room, AKA "The Chad Henne Interception Room."
"Number 1 or number 2? Number 1 or number 2? Dammit! Time out! Time out!"
And last but not least, the fireplace around which the Sparano family spent the past two postseason-less winters.