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The Official Marco Rubio Versus Patrick Murphy Debate Drinking Game

If you've been following Florida's U.S. Senate race closely this year, you've likely been drinking heavily for months already. After November, one of the state's two senators is guaranteed be either the gutless Marco Rubio — who failed to defeat Donald Trump and jumped back into the Senate race after saying he wouldn't  — and Patrick Murphy, a rich kid who embellished parts of his resumé and is as exciting as eggshell-colored paint. During the Democratic primary, Murphy traded barbs with challenger Alan Grayson, a man who dresses like a crocodile's tax accountant and was accused of beating his wife. Yay, Florida!

Tonight Rubio and Murphy will debate for the first time on live television at 7 p.m. from the University of Central Florida in Orlando. (The debate will run live on ABC stations statewide.)

If you're as depressed as we are about this whole thing, the New Times' Official Senate Debate Drinking Game might help keep you sane. Here we go:

Drink every time:

  • Rubio stammers
  • Rubio sips water
  • Rubio wipes sweat from his face
  • Rubio recounts his upbringing in Miami
  • Whenever someone says the word "absences" or mentions Rubio's Senate attendance record
  • Anyone speaks Spanish
  • Someone brings up Rubio's credit problems
  • Rubio mentions Murphy's rich dad
  • Rubio says the word "resumé"
  • Anyone brings up Murphy's status as a certified public accountant
  • Anyone brings up the Cuban embargo
  • Rubio's speech at a "family values" event hosted by anti-LGBT pastors comes up
  • Anyone says the word "king tides"
  • Rubio implies Murphy is spoiled or mentions his high-rise condo
  • Whenever Murphy brings up the Deepwater Horizon oil spill

Take a shot if:

  • Rubio repeats any sentences verbatim
  • Rubio refuses to commit to a full Senate term
  • Rubio threatens to defund Planned Parenthood
  • Rubio brings up the fact that Murphy couldn't pass the CPA exam
  • Rubio defends his hatred of LGBT people as protecting "family values"
  • Murphy calls Rubio "Little Marco"
  • Murphy calls Rubio a coward
  • Murphy badmouths CBS Miami reporter Jim DeFede by name
  • Murphy brings up Rubio's drug-dealing brother-in-law
  • Rubio brings up Murphy's drunken bar-brawl arrest
  • Anyone talks about Donald Trump's hands

Take two shots if: 

  • Anyone discusses Donald Trump's penis
  • Anyone defends Rick Scott for any reason

Bonus! If you want to black out, drink:

  • Every time Murphy mentions Trump
  • Whenever Rubio is accused of flip-flopping
  • Whenever one candidate calls the other a liar
  • When Rubio says the word "America"
  • Whenever anyone says "CPA"
  • Every time Murphy reminds you of a guy you hated in college

Finish all the alcohol in your home if:

  • Rubio actually stands up for himself and rescinds his endorsement of Trump.

Correction: This article misstated a portion of Murphy's past arrest record. He was not charged with driving under the influence.

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