The Miami Dolphins are on the Clock

Yep. We did it! The Miami Dolphins are now officially the worst team in the NFL.

You just knew it. In the pit of your stomach. You knew the Fins were going to find a way to screw it up and give a game away that clearly should have been theirs.

It’s just become something you expect. As sure as the sun rises and sets. You expect Justin Peele to drop a key pass or two or three because, well, he’s Justin Fucking Peele. You expect our starting quarterback to average 4.2 yards per pass. And you expect the defense to keep losing key players to injury because, well, we’re the Miami Dolphins and that’s just how we roll, bitch.

Throw in a shitty call to end all shitty calls by the refs to negate Ted Ginn’s 86 yard kickoff return TD and, well, there you have it.

0-9. Only winless team left in the league. Yea, that’s kinda what I expected.

So, are we ready to bench Cleo Lemon yet? Yes there were dropped passes. But there were also terrible ones that sailed on him, and that inexplicable safety that ended up being the spark the Bills needed to get things rolling.

Said Cam Cameron after the game: "If I feel like a change needs to be made, then we'll make it. But I think we would all agree that Cleo did some awfully good things and gave us a chance to win that game."

What has to happen for a change to be made? Cleo Lemon has done everything under his power to show a change needs to be made. He's made serious strides in showing us all a change needs to be made. Looking for a shitty quarterback? Ours has it all: Interceptions galore! Taking sacks left and right! Inaccurate passes! Grounding penalties! And -- just added to the repertoire of suckiness this week -- a safety! Lemon has done everything short of burning the Cameron home to the ground and then pissing on the ashes. But you just know that if he did that, Cam would pull a “Well, it was a well executed fire. He’s a darn good arsonist. I mean, my family is now homeless, what was once our family dog is now a sizzling mass of barbecued flesh, and all our possessions and family heirlooms are a blackened smoldering charred heap. But Cleo did some awfully good things too," out of his ass.

As for Marty Booker – a free My Other Car is a Sail Boat bumper sticker and a Great Western Bank cup cooler to the first person who finds Booker, shoves an umbrella into his rectum and then clicks it open. The man has made an art of dropping passes and falling down when there is no one within ten feet of him.

So now we head into next week looking to face a Philadelphia Eagles team that seems to have found its mojo.

This nightmare has a few more stops to make before it mercifully comes to an end. Now vent, Fins Nation. If you're still with me and if you still have the stomach for it. Vent.... -- Chris Joseph

Read more on sports from Chris Joseph at

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Tovin Lapan

Latest Stories