The Kat Stacks Interview We Didn't Have to Pay For

Kat Stacks is a free market capitalist. She doesn't just give away sex -- and considering she claims to be sleeping with men named Gudda Gudda, who can blame her? And she certainly doesn't just give away her deep thoughts either. When we tried to interview hip-hop's proudest harlot in April, her manager demanded cash. Yesterday, blog The Awl reported that she wanted $1,500 for a chat.

There's a cheaper way, of course: shoplifted Tweets. Here it is then: The thoughtful and wide-ranging interview with Kat Stacks you've all been waiting for, acquired free of charge.

Riptide: Kat, glad we could catch up to you. As I'm sure you're aware, your policy of charging for interviews is a tough sell for publications trying to maintain journalistic integrity.

Kat Stacks: You wanna see some ass, I want to see some cash. Make it rain.

I see what you're saying. You're a single mother, and times are tough for everybody. While we're on the topic, how has the current state of the economy effected you?

My ass implants cost more than your rent, and your man love smacking it.

That's quite an expense.

Booty Pops are like padded push up bras. It's only good for saggy booties.

I understand. You seem a bit distracted. Are you driving?

In the Bentley riding home with somebody's man.

I hear music in the background. Is it... Curtis Mayfield?

I only listen to gangsta rap. Don't ever play R&B in the car or I'ma clown you.

Oh, my apologies. Well, let's get on to meatier subjects. How about this: I'll throw you a topic, you hit me back with your uncensored take. We did the same thing with Salman Rushdie, and he absolutely loved it.

Maybe I should record a rapper eating my pussy, so ya'll can forget about that last loser.

You're right. What's past is prologue. So... first topic: The Arizona immigration bill.

I also been stopped by the police three times due to your stalking and false allegations in Arizona.

See, that's exactly what people were afraid would happen. Clearly, you don't believe that Obama's America is "post-racial".

I wish dark-skinned rappers would stop Photoshopping themselves white.

Next topic: Sarah Palin.

Even to my worse enemy, I will never wish jail time on them. It's mental abuse and horrible. But this psycho bitch needs to be put away.

That's quite fierce language. Are you referring to the investigation of her dismissal of a public safety official in Alaska?

Unprofessional, irresponsible idiots... Before I die, I want to change the world.

You speak in prose. Have you ever considered writing poetry?

My pink streaks glow white in the dark.

Very evocative.

I look sweet in my pink T, I look lame in my pink T, I wear a purple thong in my pink T. Forget a female, I'll get a man in my pink T.

Hmm. Next topic: The current climate of Florida politics.

Why the bridge on Miami Beach stink so bad?

Next: The Ground Zero Mosque.

Fuck it. I'll Google it.

Any final words of wisdom before I let you go?

Industry people: Don't attend Ice Lounge in Indianapolis, Indiana! They will set you up, and it's wack and small!

Good to know. Thanks for your time, Kat.

Time to cuddle... Good night.

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Gus Garcia-Roberts