Dirty Dozen 2022: Miami's 12 Least Wanted

We'll soon bid farewell to 2022, a bitter shambles of a year during which we inched further away from civilized discourse and into a world where former presidents dine with Nazi-sympathizing rappers, tech icons call for the arrest of our nation's top public health advisor, and star actors slap the smile off comedians onstage and are rewarded with a standing ovation.

It all felt like a fever dream, the kind from which one awakens and wonders, "What hellish depths of the human subconscious belched forth this farce, and where is my negroni sbagliato?"

In South Florida, we were buffeted by the one-two punch of increasingly bitter culture wars and one of the most destructive hurricanes in the state's history. It was also a year of reckoning hereabouts, as prosecutors took aim at COVID-relief fund scammers, abusive cops, and Proud Boys alleged to have played prominent roles in the January 6 insurrection.

Meantime, the high tide of the cryptocurrency craze receded, revealing the sunburned, naked asses of many an overexposed bro, along with that of Sam Bankman-Fried, who was planning to move his crypto exchange FTX's headquarters to Miami shortly before he was arrested for running what prosecutors deemed "one of the biggest frauds in American history."

In hopes of gaining some closure, we rummaged through the sludge and compiled a list of rapscallions, alleged criminals, and all-around turds in the South Florida punch bowl who stood out as keystones of local dysfunction in 2022. For your perusing pleasure, we present to you, in alphabetical order, our annual Dirty Dozen.

Sam Bankman-Fried

Sam Bankman-Fried's local legacy was born with his cryptocurrency empire's name emblazoned on the downtown Miami Heat arena and ended with its merch stuffed in trash bags inside a storage room in Wynwood. A month after the former CEO of FTX saw his $32 billion company collapse in a matter of days as investors rapidly pulled out of the firm, Bankman-Fried was arrested in the Bahamas at the request of U.S. authorities on a slew of charges including fraud, money laundering, and violations of campaign finance laws. The sudden turn of events was a firm kick in the pants to Magic City Mayor Francis Suarez, who had hoped FTX — which he dubbed "one of the most innovative companies on the planet" — would help actualize his vision of Miami as a global cryptocurrency hub. After the revelation that crypto emperor Bankman-Fried had no clothes, Miami-Dade County and the Heat swiftly pulled out of their partnership with now-bankrupt FTX.

Webster Batista

On social media, Webster Batista lived lavishly. Instagram photos show him dressed head-to-toe in designer gear and flashy jewelry, chillin' next to Ferraris and Lamborghinis. He claimed to have built an online music empire worth millions. There was just one problem, according to federal prosecutors: None of it was his. Batista, an accused "ladrón de contenido en YouTube" ("YouTube content thief"), was arrested in November 2021 in Doral and ordered by a federal judge to await trial alongside his alleged coconspirator, Jose Teran, in Phoenix. According to the feds, Batista and Teran claimed rights to tens of thousands of songs on YouTube that they had nothing to do with and raked in more than $20 million while ripping off countless musicians. As part of the plea agreement, Batista admitted to falsely claiming rights to the royalties to more than 50,000 songs from an array of genres. After pleading guilty to two felony charges in federal court earlier this year, Batista was ordered to forfeit his Tesla, BMW i8, and real estate in Arizona, among other assets.

Daniel Bouaziz

For years, high-end art dealer Daniel Elie Bouaziz was making a fortune selling what he marketed as authentic and prized works of art by the likes of Andy Warhol, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Roy Lichtenstein, and Banksy at his two galleries in Palm Beach. Bouaziz's artwork sales funded the purchase of three Rolls-Royces, a 70-foot boat, and ten South Florida properties. Along come spoilsport prosecutors who allege that Bouaziz was ripping off buyers, charging them tens of thousands of dollars for reproductions of art he bought at online auctions for as little as $100. One unsuspecting buyer allegedly spent $860,000 on inauthentic pieces. In another case, Bouaziz allegedly agreed to sell a fake copy of a Basquiat work for $12 million to an undercover FBI agent. Bouaziz was indicted in federal court in July on charges of mail fraud, wire fraud, and money laundering months after the FBI raided his establishments, Galerie Danieli and Danieli Fine Art. If convicted, Bouaziz faces up to 20 years in prison.

Courtney Clenney

Erstwhile OnlyFans model Courtney Clenney is sitting in a Miami jail cell, charged with second-degree murder for stabbing her ex-boyfriend Christian Obsumeli at their luxury Edgewater apartment in April. Clenney isn't denying she put a kitchen knife in Obsumeli's chest — the question is whether it was in self-defense as the 27-year-old claims. While her defense attorneys say Clenney was a stalking victim in a tumultuous relationship, prosecutors claim old text messages, love letters, and secret audio recordings show the model abused her lovesick (and now deceased) boyfriend. Elevator footage of another incident appears to show Clenney striking Obsumeli while he tries to fend off the blows. Perhaps most problematic: an audio recording in which Clenney says, "I'm actually fucking not having a good day where I actually, literally fucking want to kill you."

Luiz Capuci Jr.

Perhaps it was the Lamborghini he used as part of his child's gender-reveal party, or maybe the live giraffe at the little fella's first birthday celebration, but Luiz Capuci's family members had their suspicions about the source of his wealth. Evidently, so did the feds. Earlier this year, the Port St. Lucie man was indicted by the U.S. Department of Justice for allegedly orchestrating a $62 million global investment fraud scheme through his cryptocurrency mining company, Mining Capital Coin. Prosecutors say Capuci duped investors by selling "Mining Packages" that falsely promised substantial returns from mining new cryptocurrencies. This modus operandi allegedly allowed him to divert money from thousands of clients to cryptocurrency wallets he controlled.

Shlomo Danzinger

We'll admit it's easy to get lost in the depths of Surfside Mayor Shlomo Danzinger's slate-blue eyes and lulled into a semi-somnambulant state when he speaks. Such charms aside — and utterly apart from the slightest whiff of criminal wrongdoing — Hizzoner has been on a roll alienating people since he split the vote and edged out rival veteran pols Charles Burkett (incumbent mayor) and Tina Paul (incumbent vice mayor) in March, likely thanks to public dissatisfaction in the aftermath of the tragic 2021 condo collapse. Danzinger promptly made himself all but inaccessible to journalists at town hall, then opted not to fly the LGBTQ pride flag out front for Pride Month. (He said he supported gay rights but feared making the seaside hamlet vulnerable to flag-flying requests from Satanists and the like.) More recently, Danzinger presided over the so-far unexplained exodus of three top city officials who tendered vague resignation letters. Danzinger's tightlipped tendencies fueled suspicions and, reportedly, an ethics complaint from Burkett alleging that the departures were arranged behind closed doors in violation of Florida's Sunshine Law.

Gabriel Garcia

A year after accused January 6 rioter Gabriel Garcia asked a federal judge to remove his ankle monitor, claiming it was embarrassing him around his clients, he presented the court with another bold request: permission to return to the scene of his alleged crimes. One of the first South Floridians nabbed in connection with the insurrection, Garcia allegedly filmed himself storming the Capitol while sporting a red MAGA cap, taunting House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to "come out and play," and calling the U.S. Capitol Police "fucking traitors," all of which add up to pending federal charges. In September, Garcia, a former U.S. Army captain and onetime leader of the Vice City chapter of the far-right Proud Boys, sought the court's approval to visit D.C. to attend a "January 6th Solidarity Truth" event featuring "numerous speakers related to supporting Jan. 6 defendants." U.S. District Judge Amy Berman Jackson summarily rejected the request, noting the absurdity of asking to "return to the very area from which he has been ordered to stay away."

Damara Holness

It takes an especially weaselly impulse to take advantage of a program meant to help those suffering through financial hardship amid a pandemic. South Florida seems to be a fertile breeding ground for that brand of greed, as was evident in the number of Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) scams prosecuted hereabouts. By September, the U.S. Attorney's Office for the Southern District of Florida had tallied more than 80 COVID-19 relief fraud cases with more than $23 million in assets seized. And the prosecutions continue to mount. Among the high-profile perpetrators: Damara Holness, daughter of longtime Broward County Commissioner Dale Holness. Damara devised a harebrained scheme to obtain $300,000 in PPP loan funds by falsely claiming her consulting company had 18 employees and paid wages of $1.44 million in 2019 — a year in which the company barely did any business at all. Once she secured the funds through the online financing company Kabbage, she fabricated payroll and pocketed most of the wages she was ostensibly paying out. In January, the 30-year-old pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud and was sentenced to 20 months in prison.

Mac-Kinley Lauriston

Prosecutors claim onetime North Miami mayoral candidate Mac-Kinley Lauriston spearheaded a six-year series of fraudulent schemes that netted more than $600,000 in pilfered public assets. Lauriston allegedly used his position as chief of staff for Miami-Dade County Commissioner Jean Monestime to mark county discretionary grants for supposed programs to help ailing Haitian performers, promote cultural events, and support Haitian Heritage Month. But according to an arrest warrant, Lauriston and his associates used the money to line their own pockets. One of Lauriston's many alleged schemes involved diverting county money into corporations fraudulently registered in the names of unwitting local residents. Prosecutors claim Evelt Jeudy, another county employee in Monestime's office, helped carry out the scheme alongside bank employee Nadine Chery, who has been tagged as Lauriston's girlfriend. The trio faces felony charges of organized fraud, racketeering, and grand theft, among dozens of other criminal counts.

Miami-Dade School Board

Gov. Ron DeSantis and the Republican-led Florida legislature have consistently played to their far-right base by taking hardline stances on just about every culture-related issue. From passing the Parental Rights in Education Act (AKA the "Don't Say Gay" bill) to banning transgender athletes from public school sports teams, Sunshine State politicians have capitalized on conservative parents' angst that their children will be swept up in a very gay, very woke groom-fest of indoctrination. But hey, at least we can count on the Miami-Dade County school board to stand firm for sane, reality-based education. Or not. Over the summer, the board nearly bowed to a lunatic fringe that demanded it reject a textbook that dared to acknowledge to adolescents that there are such things as gender identity, birth control, and abortion. In September, the board struck down a proposal that would have recognized LGBTQ History Month and rejected a measure to teach high school seniors about Obergefell v. Hodges, the landmark U.S. Supreme Court landmark decision that recognized same-sex couples' constitutional right to marry.

Stephen Ross

Do not let the Miami Dolphins' upward trajectory under first-year head coach Mike McDaniel rose-color your sunglasses. Stephen Ross still found a way to shroud his franchise in embarrassment. The Dolphins owner and billionaire chairman of the Related Companies was at the center of a discrimination lawsuit brought by fired head coach Brian Flores, who accused Ross of violating the league's tampering rules by offering to pay him $100,000 for each game the team lost in 2019, with the aim of securing a high position in the NFL draft. Flores, who was one of a few Black head coaches in the league, alleged Dolphins higherups cast him as "an angry Black man" and fired him because he refused to tank. A league investigation found that Ross was joking about the tanking bounty but that he nonetheless tampered in other matters — trying to lure superstar quarterback Tom Brady, who was under contract with the cross-state rival Tampa Bay Buccaneers at the time, and contacting the agent of then-New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton with similar designs on poaching. Ross' disregard for the rules cost the Dolphins a 2023 first-round draft pick and a third-round pick in 2024, and the owner himself was fined $1.5 million, suspended for the first six games of the current season, and barred from attending the league's fall meeting. Undeterred, Ross pivoted to pissing off preservationists, spending $1 million in an unsuccessful effort to pass Referendum 1, which would have allowed him to build an eyesore of a hotel and condo on the site of the recently demolished Deauville Beach Resort in Miami Beach.

Robert Sabater

The cops involved in a repugnant display at the Royal Palm Hotel on July 26, 2021, could go a long way toward populating a Dirty Dozen all on their own, but we limited ourselves to just one. When a handful of Miami Beach's finest caught up with Dalonta Crudup, who'd allegedly hit an officer with his scooter and fled, they took turns pummeling him as he lay on the ground. Two cops, Jose Perez and Kevin Perez (no relation), kicked Crudup in the head, according to Miami-Dade prosecutors. Our boys in blue could've called it a night, but instead, they set their sights on a bystander, Khalid Vaughn, who was quietly capturing the fiasco on his phone. Officer Robert Sabater was the first to assault Vaughn, shoulder checking and repeatedly striking him, according to an arrest affidavit, whereupon other officers rushed over and joined in. Sabater has pled not guilty to a misdemeanor battery charge and is scheduled for trial next year. (Three officers have had their charges upgraded to felonies.) To its credit, the city has suspended an ordinance that made it illegal "to approach or remain within 20 feet of a law enforcement officer" with an "intent to directly or indirectly harass" them. Critics of the measure warned it would embolden cops to do precisely what they did at the Royal Palm: violently detain a bystander for lawfully recording police.