LeBron James tore a hole in the fabric of the universe when he announced on live television he was joining the Miami Heat. And wow, did people say some really dumb/crazy things about it. Here's our compendium, in roughly chronological form, of the looniest and most mind-melting quotes from the Summer of LeBron:
"You could see LeBron fitting in pretty well there."
That's the president trying to persuade LeBron to pick the Chicago Bulls. Yeah, the president of the United States. Don't worry -- Biden is watching the shop.
"In this fall, I'm taking my talents to South Beach."
This all-important sentence came out sounding like something a horny Ukrainian exchange student might sputter -- especially because the Heat plays, y'know, downtown. If LeBron knew the true heart of Miami, he would've said, "I'm taking my talents to Hialeah."
"The self-declared former 'King' will be taking the 'curse' with him down South."
We could have plucked any line from Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert's screed, published online minutes after LeBron's decision. If you haven't seen it, think Ted Kaczynski in comic sans.
"We already won, and there ain't no need to play no games."
That's the chorus to the new Heat rap anthem starring rapper Flo Rida. In a nursing home somewhere, a grandfather sadly shakes his head and mutters some combination of "whippersnappers," "instant gratification," and "they don't even know who Bill Russell is" before spitting out some chaw.
"There's no way... I would've ever called up Larry [Bird], called up Magic [Johnson] and said, 'Hey, look, let's get together and play on one team... In all honesty, I was trying to beat those guys."
Magic Johnson and Charles Barkley were among the retired superstars who speculated that LeBron had just Dick-Cheney-on-a-hunting-tripped his own legacy. But Michael Jordan's expression of disapproval-- a public bitch smack from the pope of basketball and its marketing-- was another glorious plot twist in Lebron's "Decision" saga.
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"[The] New York Yankees' empire is not as evil as Miami Heat's."
This claim, made by drunk-on-sorrow Cleveland Plain Dealer columnist Bud Shaw, signaled we had finally arrived. Of course, it's simply not true. Unless Mel Gibson can play point.
"If there was an opportunity for me to return, and those fans welcome me back, that would be a great story."
That's LeBron telling GQ he can envision himself putting on a Cavs jersey again. But it might as well be Manuel Noriega saying he'd love to move back into the presidential palace in Panama City.