Tanning Tax: Where is Charlie Crist When We Need Him?

In the interest of showcasing other voices here on Riptide, we're presenting this editorial from 22 year-old Kymberly Morgan, who is totally not actually real.

My name is Kymberly Morgan, and I am a proud Tan American. Recently, I heard that instead of taxing plastic surgery to pay for health care costs the fat cats in DC want to put a 10 percent tax on indoor tanning. Which isn't very surprising. I mean, have you seen Nancy Pelosi's face? It is admirably tight for a 69 year-old woman, but it sure isn't tan. Which is too bad, because she'd probably look really cute with a bit of color. And maybe some highlights, and like a velour pink power suit with a rhinestone American flag on the back. OMG, so patriotic.

Wait? Where was I? Oh, right. Tanning. I totally realize that tanning is bad for you health, and it might give me wrinkles, but listen my mental health is more important. And Mansion or any decent club on South Beach is totally not going to let me in if I show up pale. I don't deal well with rejection. Ask my ex-boyfriend Tony to show you the watch his grandfather left to him when he died. Oh, that's right he can't. I ran over it with my Miata and threw it in the ocean. Plus, by the time I get old they'll have cured cancer anyway. Duh. 

Now I know some of you are going to say, "Well, Kimberly, you live in Miami. Why don't you go to the Beach?" I'll tell you why. There is sand there. Do you know how horrible it is to get sand in your bikini bottom, especially after you just got a Brazillian wax? Plus sometimes it rains. OK.

Also did you know you have to drive to the beach? It's quicker for me to drive to the tanning salon, which means I save gas. Which means I am saving the world. Hello, aren't we supposed to be worrying about global warming or something? Exactly.

Plus, according to an informal survey of my friends Kiki, Trisha and Vicky the number one problem facing woman in America right now is tan lines? And they are disgusting. Now I realize that there are areas in Miami-Dade open to topless and even bottomless sun bathing, but I was raised in a Catholic house. I only take my clothes off when I know God isn't watching. Jeez.

"Oh, Kimberly," you might say, "why not use fake tanners?" Listen, I don't mean to politicize the death of Brittany Murphey so soon, but her performance in Clueless taught me an important lesson: fake tanning is gross and hazardous to your popularity, which in turn is hazardous to your mental health. Obviously. I mean, how horrified was Tai when she showed up looking like a zebra. This is an important point, and you should listen to me, because I am not a virgin, and I can drive.

My question though, is where are the brave politicians to stand up for us tan Americans? Where is Charlie Crist. I think he's our governor or something, and I voted for him based on his tan alone. But how is Charlie so tan? You'd think some sort of paparazzi shots would have surface of Charlie in a Speedo on a beach being rubbed down by a muscle pool boy or something by now. But they haven't, and I have it on very good word, because you know how there's no secrets in the tanning salon community, that Charlie Crist is a habitual patron.

So I call on you Charlie Crist. It's time for you to come out of the tanning closet. We all know your secret, and there's no use in hiding it. So join us Charlie. Stand up with you fellow Tan Americans and denounce this evil outrage of the tanning tax.

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Kyle Munzenrieder