Someone Has Painstakingly Written a Jeb Bush-Themed Parody of Hamilton

Finally! Someone has combined the hit broadway musical you can't stop hearing about and the failed presidential candidate you haven't heard much about for two months. Yes, folks, Jeb!: An American Disappointment, a parody of Hamilton, is here to the delight of, well, some. 

Unfortunately, it's not a fully staged musical but rather a full parody script in Google Doc format with the characters of the Pulitzer-winning play recast as the players in the 2016 primary election. Jeb Bush stars as Alexander Hamilton, while Donald Trump stands in for archenemy Aaron Burr.

"I watched Jeb stroll down the side of the street," Trump/Burr sings. "He looked so low-energy, a sad man, ready to be beat." 

George Washington is recast as that other George W. who served as president. Hamilton's dueling love interests are reimagined as Florida voters and Florida special interests. The Clintons and Barack Obama take turns in the role of King George. Marco Rubio stands in as Hamilton's son, who just wants to make his father proud by dispelling of this fiction. 

The lyrics of every one of the musical's 46 songs have been painstakingly parodied to match. 

Burr's solo number "Wait for It" becomes Donald Trump's "Pay for It." "Guns and Ships" becomes "He's Not Mitt." The song "Burn," naturally, becomes "Bern." "The World Was Wide Enough" is parodied as "The Field Was Wide Enough." 

As someone who hasn't seen the play (and doesn't understand how people who haven't seen it yet are so obsessed with it, but that's another post), I pulled up a couple of the original songs on YouTube and read the parodied lyrics along with it, and, yeah, this thing is genius. 

Here are the opening lines of the actual play: 

How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a
Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a
Forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence
Impoverished, in squalor
Grow up to be a hero and a scholar?

The ten-dollar founding father without a father
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder
By being a lot smarter
By being a self-starter
By fourteen, they placed him in charge of a
Trading charter

And every day while slaves were being slaughtered and carted
Away across the waves, he struggled and kept his guard up
Inside, he was longing for something to be a part of
The brother was ready to beg, steal, borrow, or barter

Then a hurricane came, and devastation reigned
Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain
Put a pencil to his temple, connected it to his brain
And he wrote his first refrain, a testament to his pain

Well, the word got around, they said, “This kid is insane, man”
Took up a collection just to send him to the mainland
“Get your education, don’t forget from whence you came, and
The world is gonna know your name. What’s your name, man?”

Alexander Hamilton
My name is Alexander Hamilton
And there’s a million things I haven’t done
But just you wait, just you wait...

And here's the Jeb! version: 

Trump: How does the pampered brother, son of a George and a Barbara,
Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot with some Floridians,
By politics and Charles Koch’s donations
Grow up to somehow miss the nomination

Christie: The million-dollar, front runner, engraving gunner
Got no farther by working no harder
By being no smarter
By being a non-starter
By 45, they placed him in charge of a state charter

Cruz: And everyday while votes were being written and cast away across the states
Jeb refused to be a goner;
Inside he was ready to be just like his father
But his brother was the one who the country went and honored

Kasich: Then a recount came
And litigation rained
Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain
Called some lawyers to his office,
And started up a campaign
And he wrote his first refrain:
An exclamation by his name

Trump: Well the word got around, they said
“This campaign is lame, man.
Took up a collection just to give the guy some game, man
Get yourself some donors
Don’t forget your family name
We already know your name, what’s your name, man?

Jeb: Jeb Bush, exclamation point.
My name is Jeb Bush, exclamation point.
And there’s a million things I haven’t done
But please just clap, please just clap.

So how exactly does something like this come to be? 

Well, the Google Doc lists 19 co-writers and few dozen assistants. 

Group member Alex Cohen told Orlando Weekly that the piece was put together by a group of people who met in a meme Facebook group. 

“We're all huge Hamilton fans, as well as huge Jeb fans, and there are so many parallels between the show and the 2016 election that it was only inevitable that this had to happen,” Cohen told the Weekly

Of course, the meme group's origins probably explain why Bush's infamous guac bowl is a repeating theme in the parody. 

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