Today the FBI raided the Fort Lauderdale home of Roger Stone, the openly racist Trump confidante who dresses like a penny-farthing bicycle salesman. Stone is charged with lying repeatedly to the FBI and threatening federal witnesses in the most obvious and stupid ways possible.
But this story gets even dumber! Apparently, one of Stone's neighbors is none other than Chad Johnson, the Miami native and former NFL wide receiver who briefly changed his name to "Chad Ochocinco" as a publicity stunt. Johnson today tweeted that, just before he stepped outside for his morning jog (it was a breezy 65 degrees!), he saw a bunch of federal agents pull up and apprehend his extremely normal neighbor, Roger.
FBI arrested my neighbor Roger before my morning jog, I’ve only seen shit like that in movies, crazy to start to my Friday— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) January 25, 2019
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This begs an obvious question: What horrid, unholy abominations has Johnson witnessed Stone doing? Did Stone whisper gardening tips over Johnson's fence like a racist Wilson from Home Improvement? Was Johnson ever offered a smoke from Stone's infamous Richard Nixon–shaped bong? Why did Johnson never invite Stone to play FIFA on his Twitch stream? Did Stone ever ask Johnson to housesit and pick up the luxury fedoras Stone ordered online? Did any big vans arrive at Stone's house with the words "Definitely Not Full of Russian Intelligence" painted on the side? Questions abound.
Sadly, the former Cincinnati Bengals, New England Patriots, and Miami Dolphins wideout did not respond to New Times' plea for more information:
Please DM me about this, I 100 percent promise my coverage will be funnier than the TV news reporters asking you to call them— Jerry Iannelli (@jerryiannelli) January 25, 2019
The public deserves answers. The #Resistance must call Johnson to testify before Congress. This is the only right way to end the Trump presidency. Looking at you, Adam Schiff.