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Rep. Allen West's Guide to Sexy Letter Writing

After earlier reporting on a sexually explicit letter South Florida Tea Bagger extraordinaire Rep. Allen West sent to his wife while he was serving in the army in 2003, Gossip Extra has decided to upload the handwriten missive and unleash it on the web. The site released the letter, they claim, because West opposes issues related to women's health and sexuality.

If it's a fake (West's staff has declined to comment about it), then it's obviously the work of a comic mastermind. If it is indeed real, well, in that case, West is a master of sexual letter writing. Forget those sloppy sexts, and take notes from West's literary talent. Learn how to write sexy letters the Allen West way.

(NSWF Warning: You may not want to read these at the office if you've got a nosy boss looking over your shoulder.)

Rule #1: Make your demands known upfront
Examples from West's alleged letter:

  • "Angela, I need to know that you are committed to being my porn star. I do not want hear 'no' or 'we'll see about that.'"
  • "From now on you will wear two-piece swimsuits when we vacation, you could use the color."
  • "I want a nice long blow job."

Nothing make a woman hotter than being told what to do, obviously.

Rule #2: Don't be afraid to invoke your religion to demand your partner gives you all the sex you want

  • "God has authorized you and only you as my partner for intimacy and that is what I want."
  • "I pray you are willing to break down the walls of inhibition and let me enjoy your body."

As Jesus said to the disciples, "Go out and make those bitches give you mad head and don't take no for an answer."

Rule #3: Compliment your girl's jewelry

  • "I cannot wait to ...play with your pussy ring with my tongue."
  • "You will already have a nice belly button jewelry."

Pussy ring diamonds are a girl's best friend, after all.

Rule #4: Don't be afraid to admit your flaws

  • "I know I do not compare to the men of 'Soul Food.'"
  • "Then I will make love to you until I explode (probably 2 mins)"

Don't play up your sexual prowess too much. Don't be afraid to admit you are no Boris Kodjoe of Soul Food who can please your woman for hours at a time. You don't want expectations to get too high.

Rule #5: Inquire about the things that make your partner special

  • "That being said ...how is that booty?"

It shows you're thoughtful.

Rule #6: Provide vivid specifics

  • "I can not wait to have your hot mouth suck my dick and have warm cum fill your mouth and drip down your chin."
  • "I want to take you from behind in a shower."
  • "I cannot wait to have the tightness of your butt surround my penis as I slide in."

Aren't you getting hot just reading that?

Rule #7: Provide alternatives to nights where traditional sex may not be possible

  • "If you are on your period than it is butt sex or masturbation time. That is the standard and it is non-negotiable."

This shows you've taking your wife's ladypart issues into account. She'll appreciate that.

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Rule #8: End on a strong note

  • "That is when I am getting that hot, tight Angel butt ... get ready! I love you, Allen."

After that she'll be ready for anything.

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