Did you guys hear the Florida Panthers are in the Stanley Cup Playoffs? You guys heard of the Florida Panthers? You guys even heard of hockey?
No? Well, great, this guide is for you. Being native Floridians we're glad that our team has finally broken their playoff slump. We'd like to send them positive vibes as they start their first playoff journey in more than ten years tonight. Being native Floridians, however, we don't know anything about hockey. So we've decided to educate ourselves in the worst way possible.
We put "Hockey terms" into Google and found this Wikipedia article entitled "Glossary of ice hockey terms." We sent it to a friend and had him quiz us on meaning of the terms. Some of them we knew, but some of them we were totally off base on.
So we've gone ahead and posted our worst answers, and included the real definitions. Hopefully this will help you understand this weird Canadian ice game.
Dump and Chase
It's like that thing where you're sitting on the toilet and then all the sudden see a cockroach crawling around your bathroom and you grab the can of Raid?
An offensive strategy used to get the puck over the opposing team's blue line and into the corners where players can race to get it, thereby moving the play into the attacking zone.
Crashing the net
When you're trying to watch hockey games online and your Internet service provider craps out.
Players head with full steam to the front of the net, into the goalie's space and/or straight into the goalie.
Split the D
Sounds painful. Like, really, really painful.
When an offensive player confuses or out maneuvers two defensemen in order to get between them.
Wait, is there cake involved in hockey? No one told me this. I am about to become the biggest hockey fan ever.
Icing occurs when a player shoots the puck across both the center red line and the opposing team's goal line without the puck going into the net or being able to be touched by an opposing player in their neutral or defensive zones.
Ah! I know what this is! It's that Paul Newman movie. I haven't seen it, but I am aware that it exists.
A slapshot is a hard shot, usually with a big wind up, wherein the player bends his stick on the ice and allows the energy stored in bending the stick to launch the puck forward.
Ah! I know what this is! It's that John Leguizamo movie. I haven't seen it, but I am aware that it exists.
A player known for agitating opposing players, usually through frequent hitting, sometimes of questionable legality.
))((, you know that thing from that Miranda July movie! Except I guess that's butt never-ending. The opposite of that, then.
The act of jabbing an opponent with the knob of their stick. A major plus game misconduct penalty
A Canadian term for twink. Do Canadian gays like hockey?
Another name for a hockey stick.
An iPhone app where Twigs find eachother based on location.
A player better known for his hard-work and checking than his scoring.
When a revolutionary medical technique allows an undercover player to take the physical appearance of an opposing player and infiltrate his team.
The method used to begin play at the beginning of a period or after a stoppage of play.
I do know enough about sports to know that this is a nickname for Dikembe Mutombo, but not enough to know how that relates to hockey. A really tall player, perhaps.
When a player handles the puck or himself in such a manner to fool the opponent into moving out of position, allowing the player to get past. Originated from the word decoy.
When a player takes a really big contract with a team he wouldn't want to play for otherwise.
The act of impeding an opponent by placing the blade of a stick into their body. A penalty.
Simple devices used to protect the testicles of a male ice hockey player. (And we've found one real definition funnier than mine.)
The name of an NHL team owned by Hugh Hefner.
A puck bunny is a female ice hockey fan, often one whose interest in the sport is primarily motivated by sexual attraction to the players rather than enjoyment of the game itself. (OK, this one is kind of funny too).
Gwynyth Paltrow's character in Iron Man.
Player with great speed and quickness.
Being a Dolphins fan, I've forgotten what a real quarterback is.
Generally, an offensive defensemen that plays one of the points on the power play, and is adept at skating and handling the puck.
A form of torture in which the torturer puts a prisoner in a room full of delicious waffles and maple syrup but straps them to a board preventing them from eating the waffles.
A quick save with the goalie's blocker, usually a sideways-sweeping motion.
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A porn star who specializes in gang bangs.
The gap between a goaltender's legs.
Me as a hockey writer.
The act of contacting an opponent's body or stick with one's own as a result of a swinging motion. A penalty.
Whatever it is, I think we lost it in this article long, long ago.
A player in the opponent's end zone at the junction of the blue line with the boards is said to be at the point.