Here at New Times, people say all sorts of crazy shit to us. Then we hand-pick only the craziest shit and sift it into a giant grinder, which pumps out the little sparkling quote nuggets you find in your newspaper every week.
They are designed to make you cry, giggle, rage, and pee your pants a little on the bus. Here are the finest crazy-shit quote nuggets from 2010. Of course, this is not at all authoritative. If you think we missed a memorable New Times quote, give it to us in the comments section.
"I had surgery and I can't lift luggage. That's why I hired him." - Prominent Christian minister and anti-gay junk scientist George Rekers, explaining why he traveled to Europe with a male prositute. Really, could we start anywhere but here?
"I told him for years he needed to get out of Dade. It's just a little blip on the map full of Cubans... I've hated it for 35 years. They don't mean nothing to me down there. It's a good thing 99 percent of those people know how to throw a ball. You know where they'd be otherwise: Opa-locka, Liberty City, selling crack on the corners. I don't want to sound like a racist, but you know where I'm going with this."- Ronnie Shapiro, proud mother of Nevin, talking about her son's adopted hometown. Ponzi schemers moms say the darndest things.
"Shit, I'll wear anything."- Patches, a Downtown Miami homeless man, accepting a LeBron James Cleveland Cavaliers jersey and sparking a controversial New Times jersey drive.
"You'll never see the Ku Klux Klan try to put up a building in the heart of Liberty City."- Resident columnist laureate Luther Campbell aka Uncle Luke arguing against the Ground Zero Mosque. The notion of the booty bounce connoisseur getting all right-wing pundit on that ass titillated Stephen Colbert.
"When, occasionally, my pants somehow come off in my slapstick films, before I shoot my naked scenes I tug on my wiener a few time to give it some length/girth."- Artist Clifton Childree, one of Cultist's 100 Creatives, revealing a trick of the trade.
"I came to the United States because I wanted to be free. But it's just like communism here -- only with food."- Adrian Acosta-Gonzalez, jailed for trapping migrating songbirds.
"Yeah, I'm a thieving cocksucker."- Busted serial plagiarist Gerald Posner making unwise use of (presumed) sarcasm.
"When I bought a Bentley, I couldn't enjoy it. When you have money in this city, everyone wants a piece of it." Cut-rate funeral homes grifter Rafaiy Alkhalifa, under siege by litigants and investigators.
"There's enough stress and ugliness in the world. Why would I want to create more?"- Millionaire artist Romero Britto-- he of the Skittle-barf color palletrte-- defending his saccharine style.
"This is Miami's time to shine! The rest of the U.S. isn't doing very well, and Miami is doing extremely well." - Miami Commissioner Marc Sarnoff, when asked whether an ordinance pushing panhandlers out of Downtown had to do with the Miami Heat's acquisition of LeBron James.
"I was never able to fully remove a cheeseburger, caesar salad, the "boring hotel must-haves" from my menus. Now I can put chicken feet, pig ears, crab vagina, or whatever I feel like cooking and not toss Caesar salad for thousands all day."- Chef Jeff McInnis, founder of Gigi, which we are fairly certain that he does not serve crab vagina.
"They are lying by saying it was never a danger to the general public."- Vasko Jontschev, Miami Science Museum's Space Transit Planetarium employee who helped New Times expose that the facility was highly contaminated with asbestos, resulting in its closure.
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