So you just moved to the Magic City — welcome to Miami and bienvenido a Miami! You've chosen wisely. Now make sure you fill your garage with bottled water, D batteries, and a week's supply of Spam, and keep your gas tank full, because it's hurricane season and we can't guarantee you'll have power next week.
Now that you're here, it's time to assimilate. Find the best croquetas and Cuban coffee in your area, introduce yourself to Publix, allot three hours to find parking on South Beach, and last but not least, root, root, root, for the home team. That's right — you're a Dolphins, Marlins, Heat, Hurricanes, and, hell, even Inter Miami fan now.
Congratulations! We've accepted your application, and it has been approved. Here's why you need to hop on the Miami sports boat and leave your other teams behind.
5. Miami Heat. Lucky you — you're a Miami Heat fan now. You used to root for the totally forgettable perennial loser Atlanta Hawks, but you've since made the decision to put on your big-boy pants and cheer for one of the greatest franchises in all of sports. We're proud of you and the decisions you're making since moving south.
Let's cut right to the chase as to why the Heat is now your new team: culture and trophies. The Heat is considered a top organization in large part thanks to Pat Riley and how he has molded the franchise into the epitome of what a player needs in today's NBA to maximize his skill set. Things are done right in Miami; you won't be embarrassed.
The championship trophies are a direct result of the culture. The Heat has won three titles since 2006. Chances are your team back home can't say that. The tradition is deep with the Heat, and it's not going anywhere. The arena is literally wallpapered with reminders of champagne moments and golden trophies. You get to claim those memories now.
Moving forward, the Heat has a young, up-and-coming, fun squad seasoned with an All-Star and top 15 NBA player, Jimmy Butler. There is a likelihood this is just the beginning of another chapter of success for Miami's premier franchise, because another star will join him in Miami soon, either through free agency or a trade.
It's going to be fun. You should be there!
4. Miami Marlins. You did it. You lucked out again — you became a Miami Marlins fans at literally one of the only times anyone could ever sell you on that being a good thing. Jackpot.
The Marlins were a mess-and-a-half this time two seasons ago, but then King Derek Jeter ascended the throne and has since cleaned up the Marlins payroll, signed an assortment of international prospects every other Major League Baseball team wanted, hit it big in the MLB Draft, and, overall, raised the team's farm system from near-last to what some say is now a top-five minor-league pipeline. It's been an impressive turnaround.
The Marlins will be a problem for other teams in the near future, but for now, you'll have to deal with rooting for your new favorite MLB squad in one of the nicest and newest ballparks in the nation. Marlins Park will also afford you the chance to get a taste of just about every Miami food in one convenient spot, so it's a helluva place to visit after work.
Buy low on the Miami Marlins while you still can. This is Amazon-in-2008-type stuff, bro. Thank us later.
3. Miami Dolphins. OK, so we're not gonna lie. This one is a bit harder to sell. Being a Miami Dolphins fan has not been the most fantastic experience since, eh, a 40-year-old graduated from middle school. They lose, but not enough to gain any real advantage in the draft, and they constantly embarrass us off the field for a variety of reasons.
Lucky for you, however, the storms have just cleared, and a rainbow has appeared on the horizon. We think. We at least hope.
The team has a new coach, Brian Flores, who came from the New England Patriots. That's probably good! The Dolphins have a fantastic nucleus of young stars, highlighted by maybe the best cornerback in the game in Xavien Howard. And last but not least, they have about 50 picks in the next NFL Draft, so basically an entirely new team is on the way.
Probably the biggest sell here is that if the Dolphins ever win another Super Bowl, there will be a pants-off-pots-and-pans party for at least a month. You'll want to be a part of that. Stop rooting for the Detroit Lions and hop on this train.
2. Miami Hurricanes. The Canes are the team you always wished you rooted for, but you lived in Utah and that sort of thing is illegal there. No worries, though — you're now almost all the way down into the Caribbean Sea, where anything goes. You're in the circle of trust, where the tequila flows at tailgates and the smell of grilled meat and testosterone is undeniable.
Want to get in good with the new co-workers? Throw up a "U" with your hands your first day. Unsure of what to say when someone asks about your favorite memory of being a Hurricanes fan? Tell them it's a tie among the five times the team won the national championship. If someone asks you what something is all about, put your finger to their chest and say, "It's all about the U," even if it's a totally unrelated subject.
The Canes have a new coach and a nice squad this season, but being a fan is more about being cocky, invading other people's personal space, and getting unapologetically, startlingly loud. That's you now. Cool, huh?
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1. Inter Miami. New soccer team, who dis?! We have no idea. Most of us literally have no idea. The rumor is that Miami will have a soccer team one day. It's been in the works forever. You lucked out because, as of late, Inter has actually been signing real-life soccer players to allegedly play actual soccer games with "Miami" across their chests.
Chances are you do not have a favorite Major League Soccer team, and if you do, you're not all that attached to it because, well, it's an MLS team. Miami loves it some soccer, and Inter Miami should be one hell of an experiment in proving just how much. This is a rare opportunity to hop on a team's bandwagon before it even leaves the station.
How often can you say you were ride-or-die with a team since before it ever played a game? Almost never. Now is your chance.