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Monday Night Football: Five Keys to Dolphins at Saints Tonight

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Your Miami Dolphins enter tonight's showdown between two 3-0 teams primed for an opportunity to show the world these are not the same old Dolphins limping into a primetime NFL matchup only to play like a paper bag full of shit. No, these Dolphins are coming into the Big Easy to win this fucker and beat one of the elite teams in the NFL over the last five seasons.

If the Dolphins want to do that, they need to start off fast and clean up some of the miscues that have threatened their first three victories this season. Click through for our keys to a Fins win tonight.

1. For the Love of God, Please Protect Tannehill

We've asked you again and again. What will it take? A gift basket? A trip to Flanigan's for the entire offensive line? Hookers? Blow? Krokodil? We'll do just about anything at this point. The running backs have also contributed to the league-leading 14 sacks Tannehill's withstood. Shit, even Tannehill has by occasionally holding onto the ball too long. This shit needs to get fixed, like, yesterday. Stop it already!!! It's driving us crazy!!! Who's going to stop this fucking madness?!?!?!

2. Start Fast on Offense

The Dolphins have been a little slow on the take in each of the first 3 games, suffering from lackadaisical first halves but then rallying during the second half to seem like a tough-minded, physical team with great execution on offense. They cannot fall behind Drew Brees and his five billion weapons on offense. It's going to be very, very loud in the Superdome and it's crucial to shut that crowd the fuck up with an early lead. More than any game this season, this will be extremely important. The Dolphins fall behind by halftime and you might as well re-watch the last Breaking Bad episode with the rest of your Monday night.

3. Pretty Please With Sugar on Top Cover Jimmy Graham

In case you've been working in your greenhouse full of bonzai trees all season, Jimmy Graham has been exploding so far in 2013. The dude has 23 catches for 358 yards and four touchdowns. He's annihilating his career average in all those categories thus far. This should make Kevin Coyle's anus shrink to the size of a quark. Double-teaming him won't do shit and anything more than that just leaves New Orleans' other 50 awesome pass-catchers open for Brees to pick you apart. It makes us want to vomit. Jimmy Graham is going to violate us; let's just hope he spoons us afterwards and feeds us chocolate-dipped strawberries.

4. Run The Ball To Keep Brees Off The Field

OC Mike Sherman is crazy pass-happy -- and that's fine because we're trying to be aggressive in a passing league -- but this is one of those weeks where it might be best to balance the offense with more run plays via Lamar Miller and (gulp ...). Daniel Thomas. The Saints currently have the No. 20-ranked run defense and if there was ever a time to get that part of the offense going it would be this week. Furthermore, you do not fucking want to have a shit-ton of three-and-outs amidst a raucous Superdome crowd and hand the ball over to Brees quickly. Take your time, run the ball, set up the play-action for big plays downfield and keep that mole-faced freak (whom we totally love and wish we had ... love you!) on the sidelines.

5. We're Due Up for Some Special Teams Action

Aside from the forced fumble last week against Atlanta and some great kicking so far by rookie Caleb Sturgis, the Dolphins' special teams have been relatively quiet. This game -- with two potent offenses and very good defenses -- calls for some kind of swing play to happen on special teams. A kick return for a touchdown or a blocked punt could go a long way towards helping this Dolphins team reach 4-0.

It's Monday Night Football! Dolphins vs Saints! Two 3-0 teams! GET FUCKING PUUUUUUMPED!

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