Priceless Cyber Monday Gifts for South Florida Sports Franchises

The holiday season is upon us, and while Cyber Monday is in full swing, the question arises: what do you get for the local sports team that seemingly has it all?

We have some ideas, but they won't be available on Amazon Prime. Here's a tongue-in-cheek look at gifts money can't buy for Miami's favorite sports teams.

Miami Dolphins: Supernatural Relief

With an impressive 8-3 record, the Miami Dolphins are riding high this season. However, lurking in the shadows is the ominous Curse of the Tequesta, a mystical factor that has haunted the team for years and which New Times brought to light nearly a decade ago.

What could remedy a curse upon land built atop an Indian burial ground? How do you go about fighting off the bad juju? Besides speaking to whatever deity you confer with at night about making things right, something to break the spell would be a good start.

Whether it's charms, anti-curse amulets, or strip-mall fortune tellers, some spell-breaking luck might just be what the Dolphins need to secure their spot in the playoffs unscathed. Sitting at 8-3 atop the AFC playoff chase, looking down, a fall from the postseason would be the final evidence that the Dolphins are facing a supernatural force beneath Hard Rock Stadium.

Inter Miami: Loyalty to Fans

Upon upping the ante and signing Leo Messi this past season, Inter Miami has decided that what you pay to watch him play will be much more than any fans ever paid previously to support the club.

While prices vary — and there was a reported hiccup in pricing sent to fans in an email announcing the rate hike — the bottom line is Inter Miami contacted season ticket holders a few months ago to let them know yesterday's price is not today's price, not by a long shot. If you can't afford it, next season should be fun to watch on television. Sorry!

Expensive season tickets are expected whenever a team signs a world-class star. But believing Miami season-ticket holders who have been coming to DRV PNK Stadium, 35 miles away, for the last few years should suddenly pay some of the highest ticket prices in the world is not loyal to your customers.

We'll get Inter Miami some loyalty to the fans this holiday season. We would give them the gift of playing in Miami, but that's likely not going to happen until at least 2025, when the team's new field at Miami Freedom Park is scheduled to open.

Miami Marlins: Self-Awareness

The Marlins, fresh off a surprising playoff appearance, did what any team coming off a joyous season would do — allowed their front office to be torn down.

The postseason shakeup in the team's front-office staff left fans scratching their heads and somehow simultaneously unsurprised. For a fanbase largely accustomed to unexpected changes and self-inflicted errors, letting general manager Kim Ng go was par for the course, and it's on to the next five-year plan.

We're gifting the Marlins self-awareness to help them read the room. It could make for a thoughtful present. We must admit — whatever we get them, we're pretty sure they would re-gift it to someone else.

Miami Heat: Humility

Confidence is a character trait of which some could use a boost this holiday season. For many of us, so is humility.

The Miami Heat, known for their #HeatCulture, have taken their motto to a new level, turning it into a full-fledged marketing tool. We fear the self-described "hardest working" and "meanest" team in the NBA has decided it's time to talk about it rather than be about it.

That cuts hard against the heart of Heat Culture, and it's a tendency that might have gotten a player scolded in the past.
With the Heat promoting the unveiling of their new "Culture" jerseys for sale, it seems we're flying too close to the Heat Culture sun.

We're not saying we're mad; we're just concerned. Giving yourself a nickname is cringeworthy. The gift of humility could go a long way toward reminding the Miami Heat of where they come from

Florida Panthers: Amnesia

Whatever the Florida Panthers have done to raise the bar the last few years, forget it. Because, in a moment, everyone else has.

Until the Panthers win the Stanley Cup — or, at least, start stacking years and years of top-tier success — most of South Florida will treat them like the holidays, something you celebrate for a month every year, then forget about until the same time next year.

Florida is on its way to having another solid season. Still, any more hiccups on the road, or an off-year, will push fringe fans farther away, believing that it's only worth investing attention when the baby is born, not during the regular season labor pains.