Miami Marlins Real New Uniforms Leaked To Riptide

Does Jeffrey Loria lie awake at night, in his Britto-decorated pajamas, trying to think of new ways to be disgusting?

Tomorrow night--11/11/11!-- the owner of the mediocre baseball collective soon-to-be-formerly known as the Florida Marlins will throw his crowning gala at the new stadium. To commemorate the team's rebranding as the Miami Marlins, there will be a VIP concert by former rapper Pitbull. Then players will walk the catwalk in their newly-unveiled Miami Marlins uniforms.

If a purported leak is correct, this is what those jerseys will look like. But we have a few better ideas-- as modeled here by new manager Ozzie Guillen. (And imagined by art director Pam Shavalier.)

After the catwalk show -- and here's the part where we retched-- "the doors will open to the public so they may begin purchasing the new team merchandise at 11:00 PM."

Yes, Loria is banking that a mob of cash-waving plebians will flock to Little Havana near midnight on Friday to be price-gouged for jerseys representing a skinflint baseball team that refuses to pay Dan Uggla.

So we're going to beat the team to the punch. Here's a few of the new models Guillen will be sporting down the runway on Friday:

"Say hello to my little payroll!"

Seriously. Dan Fucking Uggla. We're not asking for A-Rod here.

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Gus Garcia-Roberts

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