Miami Dolphins Obliterate the Oakland Raiders 35 - 13

Facing a below-average Oakland Raiders yesterday, it was generally believed the Dolphins had a very good chance of beating their former AFC rival and notching the first victory for both Head Coach Joe Philbin and QB Ryan Tannehill. Then Reggie Bush came out of nowhere and decided to show everyone his ass closet.

Reggie added a whole new wing to the closet yesterday with 26 carries for 172 yards rushing and 2 TDs, including a 23-yard romp off right tackle and another 65-yarder that obliterated the collective defensive team penis of the Raiders. THIS is why we need 1 p.m. home games in September.

It was awesome and nasty and beautiful and everything you want to see from this young Dolphins team: a steady diet of pounding the football via Reggie and Lamar Miller (who added 65 yards on 13 carries as well as his first NFL touchdown) to the tune of 259 total yards rushing. That's just fucking awesome football.

More highlights:

-- Rookie QB Ryan Tannehill was sharp in his second pro start, going 18-of-30 for 200 yards with one passing touchdown and one running on a naked bootleg to close the first drive of the game. He was especially efficient when looking for Brian Hartline, who had a career-high 9 receptions for 111 yards. Tannehill was impressive, particularly after a week where many questioned his throwing angle, his vision, his passing lanes and whether he was born in the United States and not Kenya. He even threw his first NFL TD to a TE wearing number 80, just like this other guy called Dan Marino (AKA 'The Right Arm of God') and causing some people to draw certain comparisons.

-- Speaking of overachieving chipmunks, Brian Hartline was straight nas-tay yesterday, getting open consistently, catching a few well-placed Tannehill back shoulder throws and even talking up some chipmunk trash in between plays. It was great!

-- Granted, the Fins were playing a very very shitty Raiders team, but the defense also held its own by allowing the Raiders only 23 yards rushing. The defense also repeatedly slapped Carson Palmer's penis and wagged their finger in his face any time he tried to stage some kind of comeback. Late in the fourth quarter, a Carson Palmer pass was even intercepted by Reshad Jones to seal the victory. You read that right: a Miami Dolphins defensive player actually caught a pass thrown by the opposing quarterback and ran in the correct direction. Amazing!

-- Two things that can't be understated: the degree to which the weather (a hot, sunny Miami September day at 1pm) affected the Raiders -- particularly their defense -- as the game wore on, and the absolute shit field position the Raiders consistently found themselves in. The Dolphins did a great job of pinning the Raiders back and forcing them to work with a long field drive after drive throughout the game.

-- After the game, Joe Philbin was given a Gatorade bath by the players and you can tell he did not like that very much. Joe Philbin and his couch are going to have a talk with those guys today and HEY CAN YOU PICK UP THAT PIECE OF PAPER FROM THE FLOOR, YOU RUFFIAN!

All in all, this was a great win for the team and for a fanbase that feels as though it's been strapped to a chair, Clockwork Orange-style, and forced to endure a seemingly endless amount of shitty football. For once it seemed the team focused on what should be their identity (running the ball, limiting mistakes by a young Tannehill and playing sound defense) with this kind of football team and it miraculously worked!

So, kudos to them for the week and here's to serving those shitty fuckin' Jets a healthy serving of Reggie Bush ass closet this upcoming Sunday.

Your Miami Dolphins take on the dirty stinkin' New Jersey Jets at Sun Life Stadium this Sunday at 1 p.m.

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