Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus Jaguars

Ah, the Battle for Florida.

Former Dolphin Chad 'The Robot' Henne vs. Ryan 'Tanny Boyeee' Tannehill! Revenge for 62-7! Vindication for the loud, smelly fart that 2012 has proven to be! A chance to avoid a fourth losing season in five years! Tough-nosed, physical ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yeah, there's literally nothing at all to be excited about with this game but nonetheless here we are - trying to enjoy the last gasp of 2012 Dolphins football, hoping Ryan Tannehill begins to once again show the flashes of possible greatness he exhibited earlier in the season and trying to fight off another losing season.

Oh yeah, and hoping Chad Henne doesn't go all Raiders Daunte Culpepper on us.


1. As Stated Several Times Now, No Chad Henne 'Fuck You Revenge' Game
Not to brag but we've unfortunately been right a lot lately in these previews (too much, in fact) so we say that this is No. 1 with a bullet, unequivocally. DO NOT LET CHAD HENNE GO ALL DAUNTE CULPEPPER ON US. He is not a good quarterback and we need to stop being the whipping boy for every crazy highlight or fucked up play or historical benchmark AGAINST us. Write it 78 times on the blackboard, Bart Simpson. NO. NO NO NONONONONONONONO.

2. Which Team Can Out-Crappy The Other
Let's face it: both these teams are terrible. They both rank at the bottom or near the bottom in offensive and defensive numbers. It's like watching two blind children attempting to make out for the first time. These teams are embarrassingly bad but one team will supercede the other for 'Most Crappy' on Sunday. This will likely happen via some embarrassing play or series of fuck ups. It's going to happen. It's only a matter of who.

3. For the Love of God, Ryan Tannehill, Get Your Shit Together
He has been pretty dreadful lately. All his moxie seemingly evaporated after the leg injury during the Jets game and the subsequent letdown against the Colts. Please give us something to be hopeful about in 2013. Anything, really. YOU NEED TO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, RYAN.

4. No Moarz Special Teamz Dumby Playz
Every week it's some new dumb thing with these guys. Whether the team's resident 'murderer' is roughing the punter to give Tom Fucking Brady the ball back or one of our reserve linebackers is tip-toeing around the goal line like he's doing the pas de deux in the goddamn Nutcracker. Stop doing dumb stuff, please. I thought this team and Coach Philbin were all about 'tough, discipline, smart' football. Oh. I'm sorry. My mistake. IT WAS THE LAST USELESS DIPSHIT THEY ENDED UP FIRING INSTEAD OF THE ONE THEY SHOULD BE FIRING. Which brings us toooo...

5. The Final Days of Jeff Ireland?
Here we are again: end of the season, losing record FULLY within grasp, team stacked with guys who wouldn't make the 90s World Football League practice squads, no definitive answer at quarterback, a pedestrian coaching staff, falling revenue and people give less and less of a shit about the Miami Dolphins while the Heat bask in championship glory. But it's OK! Let's give Jeff Ireland another five years of our valuable lives!

You want some stats? Sure. The Dolphins are 29th in home attendance, 29th in offense, the third worst in NFL team's debt-to-value ratio (finance-speak that tells you they are highly-leveraged without having big costs weighing them down like a new stadium = bad business), and they are 19th in team defense (and rapidly falling). Things are not good. There is little improvement from last year and we might even be worse if we lose the rest of these games. It's SO bad, in fact, that some Dolfans have taken matters into their own hands and set up a donation site to have a mobile unit drive around the stadium for the last home game lambasting Ireland.

Are these the final days of Jeff Ireland at GM for the Miami Dolphins? Will this be his second-to-last home game calling the shots from high above in the fancy seats?

Meh. Probably not.

The Jacksonville Jaguars take on the Miami Dolphins at Sun Life Stadium this Sunday. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.

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