This Sunday the Dolphins travel to Indianapolis to play the Colts and Andrew Luck -- the girl many Dolphins fans wanted to take to the prom, but she was too unattainable so she laughed in our faces in front of the whole cafeteria as chocolate milk sprayed out of our nostrils in embarrassment.
Let's look at five keys for this Sunday's matchup.
1. Tannehill vs Luck?
The first premiere matchup of the year between two highly-touted QBs from this year's draft. In one corner, Andrew Luck -- the boy wonder QB from Stanford that was the consensus No. 1 overall pick coming out of college and a guy A LOT of Dolphins wanted to be wearing aqua and coral for the next 10-15 years. In the other corner, the surprising Ryan Tannehill who has come along nicely and shown a tremendous amount of promise, improvement and poise in his first 7 games. Many thought he wouldn't start until his second year, but the kid has shown tremendous moxie and has been a big reason why the Dolphins are 4-3, having won their last three games in a row.
The prognosis for Tannehill playing is still uncertain so here's to hoping we get our chance to see this matchup: between the hotass girl everyone wanted to fuck but laughed at us and the girl (Tannehill) that cleaned up our face, picked up our chin and gave us a Kleenex to wipe away all the snot and sorrow. Yeah, that sexy awesome chick with the big rack, amazing future and rich dad is a once-in-a-lifetime looker but we've all come around to loving our girl because she, too, is awesome and is fuckin' OURS.
2. NO PUPPETS
Serious hats-off to Matt Moore, who played last week like a true vet in leading our team to victory over the hated Jets and is by all accounts a pretty cool dude, but we CANNOT have a puppet painstakingly carved by a 15th Century Belgian artisan behind center. We need this Tannehill-Luck showdown for the sanctity of our hearts and minds. Otherwise, Sunday is going to be 50 percent this:
Now how depressing does that look?
3. Dolphins run game vs Colts run defense
The Dolphins started the year off wreaking ass-havoc on opposing run defenses but that has waned some in the last few games. If there was ever a time to do it, this game would be the one to get LaMontell Pussyhammer (aka Reggie Bush) and Vagina Feet (Daniel Thomas) going on the ground. The Colts have the 27th-ranked defense so there's space between the tackles to slither inside like only LaMontell knows how to do. Ooooooh, LaMontelllllllllll!
4. The Dolphins' shitstain pass defense vs a smart, athletic, not-Sanchez/Tebow QB
For all the Dolphins' awesomeness on run defense, it is well-known that we are Tijuana-hooker-on-mescalin-and-tequila bad on (the No. 27-ranked) pass defense. You can literally put anything you want in any of our orifices when it comes to the passing game. Therefore, playing a smart QB like Andrew Luck does not bode well for our pass defense, particularly when he's got weapons like Reggie Wayne. Sean Smith -- who's had uncanny luck lately by sometimes literally flailing his arms above his head and deflecting possible touchdown catches -- needs to be on his game or he will be J.B. Brown-sized toast against Luck, Wayne and company. It doesn't help that we've got a real dearth at the CB position with Richard Marshall still out.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
5. Battle of the Young Upstart Teams
Let's be honest here: no one expected either of these teams to be 4-3 and in a position to either win their division or perhaps grab a Wild Card spot this season. However, somehow both teams are in the hunt so this is a crucial game as both look to defy the odds and the naysayers. Both teams are finding ways to win and beating favored opponents (Indy just beat Green Bay a few weeks back, for crissakes) so this will be a great matchup and test to see where the Dolphins are at. They'll need to play mistake-free football yet again this week if they hope to pull out this victory on the road.
Prediction: Colts 23 - Dolphins 17
The Dolphins play Sunday at 1 p.m. on CBS.