Because the Miami Dolphins have been terrible for decades, fans have needed to find new and exciting ways to derive joy from the pain-filled, quarterback-devoid hellscape that is Dolphins fandom. University of Miami football occasionally fills that emotional void. But there is one sure bet to make Fins fans happy: watching Tom Brady, who has embarrassed and shamed the Dolphins twice a year for almost two decades, get publicly embarrassed on the biggest possible stage.
That means this morning, every Dolphins fan is a Philadelphia fan, after the Eagles shamed Brady last night 41-33 in Super Bowl LII — using a backup quarterback no less. Brady is sublimely rich, inhumanly talented, and one of the least charismatic or likable people to capture the public's attention. He is competitive to a psychopathic degree and doesn't even seem to enjoy winning — he just keeps competing at age 40 because, at least according to interviews, there is a black hole where his heart is supposed to be and he wants everyone around him to be as miserable as he is. He is Shooter McGavin.
So when Brady got cocky, tried to catch a pass with a bum hand, and bobbled the ball away, Miamians giggled. When Eagles backup-QB-turned-second-coming-of-Dan-Marino Nick Foles shamed Brady by catching a touchdown pass of his own moments later, the Magic City jeered. When Eagles defensive end Brandon Graham swatted the ball out of Brady's hands during the game's final minutes, crushing the Patriots QB at the exact moment when he likes to thrive, Miamians raised a toast.
And when the camera froze on Brady sitting dejected like this, fireworks exploded in Fins fans' brains:
And now, as the sun shines this morning for everyone on Earth except the residents of the Brady household, Fins fans seem to have a bit of a spring in their step. Miamians aren't quite screaming at one another on I-95 as loudly as usual on their way into work. That's because Tom Brady lost, and it's sure as hell fun to tweet insults at him:
Eagles campeão do Super Bowl LII.— Renato Heringer (@renatomhl) February 5, 2018
Desbancou o poderoso Patriots num jogão.
Tom Brady irá chorar no colo da Gisele Bündchen... coitado.
E que ano que vem, no Super Bowl LIII, esteja o meu Miami Dolphins disputando
So Pats... enjoy the Super Bowl? How about we ask Tom Brady... oh wait, he’s still thinking about the Miami Dolphins LOSS pic.twitter.com/E3jME79w4A— Baylin Trujillo (@baylintrujillo) February 5, 2018
Foles stole the Lombardi trophy from Tom Brady and next he’s coming for Giselle. pic.twitter.com/3aU0jmtVXq— Dolphins Douche (@DolphinsDouche) February 5, 2018
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As a Dolphins fan, I feel like we won the super bowl Bc Tom Brady lost LMAO.— Uncle Vuu (@Ray2Ignant) February 5, 2018
Rejoice indeed. Today even Dolphins have wings.