Marlins Will Hand Out 15,000 Vuvuzelas This Saturday

The Marlins seem intent on bringing currently the most dreaded part of the world’s favorite slow-paced, low-scoring sport to America’s favorite slow-paced, low-scoring sport: the blasted vuvuzela. 
Yes, the first 15,000 people (assuming more than that actually show up) to head to Saturday night’s game at Sun Life stadium against the Tampa Bay Rays will be given a special Marlins-branded vuvuzela — the South African plastic horn from hell that is making World Cup games sound like drunken bee orgies. To make matters more annoying, the Marlins’ version is actually smaller than a standard vuvuzela and thus higher-pitched. So instead, it’ll sound like a methed-up swarm of bees gangbanging a few chipmunks. 
Luckily, this is Miami, vice capital of the world, with a weak enthusiasm for our pro baseball team. So we’d actually be surprised if the vuvuzelas make much of a noise. Instead, we imagine fans taking them home and using them as beer bongs, pipes, weapons, or sex aids.