Magic City Kitty - Lessons on How to Make 2009 Suck/Not Suck


On this first day of 2009, a monumental morning-after event when millions around the world wake up with strange bedfellows after promising that they wouldn't, the Magic City Kitty highlights some of her best (or worst, you be the judge) advice of 2008 to help carry you into the New Year.

On diversifying your dating portfolio.

It's time for you to take your sexual experiences from white rice to jambalaya and our city is full of penises that are Latin, Caribbean, European, Asian, Australian....well, you get the idea. And get this, you'll learn things about other cultures that a boy-next-door can't teach you. You don't have to marry Mr. Venezuela, just let him put his tostone in your tuna casserole.

More advice after the jump.

To swing or not to swing?

While I'm sure that the prospect of dipping your stick into a fresh piece of pussy sounds divine, close your eyes and imagine another man ramming his meat into your wife. Kinda makes you want to drop the swinger idea and straight-out cheat doesn't it?

On surviving frequent blow job requests.

Guys expect you to bake a cake, roll a blunt, suck a dick, and balance a checkbook all while taking care of the kids, house and him. It's doable, but you must try to find some joy in the blow job. Do it with a spoonful of Haagen Dazs in your mouth. Or even better, utilize the two S's (suction and saliva) to minimize your time spent with his pubies on your chin.

Is it time to settle?

Wait, what's that noise? It's whiny and boring... is that your matrimonial clock ticking? Between your talk of nearing 40 and wondering "if this is all there is for me," you sound like a woman who's ready to retire her thong and that shit is depressing. Can it.

How to leave the L word for the D word.

No break-up sex with your former ladylove. Though a guy would probably appreciate such a merciful send-off, this chick may actually consider sewing a penis between her legs if you give her so much as another taste of your juices. End things with a gentle hug and air kiss, but make it a double. If you want to keep your licking lady around for future escapades, you'll want to leave things on a sweet note.

Trying anal for the first time.

It's only natural that just the thought of something going in makes your butt muscles clench in horror. After all, your bootay isn't used to receiving gifts. For your entire life it has been a giver -- to diapers, toilets, and maybe even alleys. So in order for it to become more comfortable participating in sexual fun and games, you need to train it. The key is relaxation -- something that a little liquor, lube, or the other l-word -- love -- can buy you.

Internet dating.

It's comparable to sticking your dick through a hole in the wall at Déjà Vu; it feels good as hell, but you never really know who's on the other side putting their nose to your hose. E-mail allows delayed and well-thought-out responses to your intimate questions, convoluted profiles allow people to describe themselves as the intriguing people they wish they were, and the pics -- oh, the pics -- well, Photoshop, lighting, and angles can make a bitch look like Beyoncé.

On getting a bf to lick your clitty.

Maybe he had a bad experience with some sour snatch. If he says your pussy perfume is the cause, you might want to modify your seafood and asparagus intake; start washing your twat with an unscented, low-pH soap; or take a trip to the gyno to see if something might have died up there. And just as I'm sure you maintain the length of your toenails and hair on your head, trim that bramble bush between your legs.

On convincing a gal pal to let you shove it in her rear.

Bring it up while you two are in the throes of passion. She's more likely to be open to a little experimentation once her juices are flowing. Pose the question real sexy-like in her ear and maybe introduce a little finger action to get her interested. If she still resists, what you do next is totally up to you, but keep in mind that some ladies might question a man's sexuality if he's too adamant about this particular issue. I'm not saying you go that way, but a woman's natural gaydar begins beeping around the third or fourth request.

Tools for the flaccid.

Why in hell are you using a penis pump? It's 2008, hon, and this is America. We pop pills! See your doctor about some Viagra or Cialis.

Click here for the archives and additional advice.

Meow. And Happy New Year.

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