Magic City Kitty - Do These Pants Make My Butt Look Gay?

Hello, Kitty

My girl and I got into an argument the other day when all of a sudden, she blurts out “…and I know you’re gay!” This threw me because she had never mentioned this to me before, so I ask her to explain and she gives me all of these reasons why I’m supposedly gay. So I’m suddenly flaming for hanging out with my buddies after work, going to the gym, and liking slim fit trouser? These are all things that she initially told me she liked about me. Now she wants to know my every move (which I refuse, she’s not my mom!), and even wants to come when I hang out with the guys. She’s gone as far as smelling my dick when I get home from work, trying to detect “man juices,” and I’m sick of it! How can I erase all doubt that I’m anything less than a heterosexual?!?!

Norock Hudson

Hi, Norock.

How could you erase all doubt? Stop fucking men, Hudson! Sorry…I guess that didn’t help. What you should really do is relax, because what you’re going through is akin to wearing handcuffs – the more you struggle against it, the guiltier you actually appear to be. Obviously you’ve been too busy skipping along Ocean Drive with your “buddies” to be familiar with the rules of gaydar, but this one applies directly to your problem. Rule #16 “He who uses force to deny, has most likely, once or twice, given it a try.” At the Women’s School of Knowing What’s Up (where keeping it real goes wrong on the daily) we’ve been taught that the guy cringing and squealing in excessive disgust at the sight of any boy-on-boy action is most likely the same dude who wishes he were on the other end of that kiss. The theory is that this guy has some major insecurity about his own sexuality and must publicly demean the gay lifestyle in the fear that his own desires will be discovered. After all, you can’t see his boner if he’s flailing around and acting like an idiot.

Which is why I’m telling you to chill Hudson, because the more you fight your girlfriend on this issue, the more {me ringing an imaginary bell like Mr. Roper on Three’s Company} you’ll seem. While you may be surprised that your woman is questioning your sexuality, the existence of concepts like “the closet” and being “on the down low” can turn any beautiful, smart lovergirl into Cujo – hence her nightly scratch-n-sniff on your milkbone. So no don’t make any major life alterations, just go about life as usual. But if that’s not your style, one idea would be to make your Guys’ Nights more accessible to her. You don’t have to invite her, Hudson; just don’t be so adamant about her not showing up. So if she really wants to know, she can see for herself that Poker Night isn’t really Pok-him Night. Or is it?

Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.

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