In the annals of human history, people discuss three seminal events: the discovery of fire, the invention of the submarine, and LeBron James always punching the entire city of New York in the asshole. It seemed as if Madison Square Garden would be James's undoing last night. His first three quarters consisted of poor shot selection, seven turnovers, and four early fouls, which forced James to hit the bench for a good chunk of time while New Yorkers showered him with their usual sausage-'n'-Miller-Light-fueled insults and vitriol.
But LeBron isn't the world's most crotch-clubbingly ferocious badass for nothing. And with Dwyane Wade and brand-new daddy Chris Bosh holding it down while he sat on the bench, things were set up nicely for James to come back into the game and give the New York Knicks facial fractures with his massive dong, leading the Miami Heat to an 87-70 win.
Ice-cold from sitting for so long, James came into the game and scored 11 points before the Knicks could even get a shot off. He poured in 17 in the fourth quarter alone, not only sealing the Game 3 win for the Heat and giving the team the 3-0 series lead while dedicating the victory to Bosh's newborn son, Jackson, but also silencing the MSG crowd while collectively slamming his critics' dicks in a car door. Even when he struggles with foul trouble and goes nine-for-21, he's still the greatest player in the world. And oh my shit, look at that, he did it all in the fourth quarter! Cock sandwiches for you, you, and you. Enjoy!
Things didn't start off so hot for the Heat, though. The energy of the World's Most Overrated Arena (or the Mecca of Ass, if you prefer) usually gets dudes like LeBron and D-Wade amped up. And perhaps they were too amped up, because when they weren't dribbling the ball out of bounds or taking terrible shots from the third row of the Lion King down the street, they were dribbling right into double-teams and hacking dudes like they stole their M&M money.
LeBron looked confused and out-of-sorts during the first three quarters, all while the Knicks faithful chanted "ASS-HOLE" every time he touched the ball. He started off the game going one-for-six and couldn't seem to get his bearings. So getting into early foul trouble might've been just what the doctor ordered to get LeBron to calm his shit down and get into full COBRADICK mode.
Of course, we wouldn't be letting the good times roll this morning had it not been for D-Wade's ability to obliterate fools with his genitals. We don't call him MV3 for nothing. Wade kept the feisty Knicks from taking control of the game, particularly during the third quarter, when LeBron was sent to the bench to think about it. MV3 finished the night with 20 points. We also got to see more of Bizarro Chalmers, who showed up and dropped 19 points, including a couple of dagger threes in the fourth.
Chris Bosh, meanwhile, was back in Miami before the game for the birth of his son. And as the Heat prepared to play without him, understandably, this scene played out in the Miami hospital with Bosh and Mrs. Bosh:
We're not sure what in hell Burgess Meredith was doing in the Boshes' hospital room, but it was an awesome moment. So Chris flew up to New York, fought through Manhattan traffic, and entered the Heat locker room with 30 minutes to spare. His teammates gave him a standing ovation and pats on the back. And then Bosh went out and scored the greatest nine points of his life. He also grabbed ten rebounds. RAPTOR HAPPY ROAR.
The second half of the game was a war of attrition between the two teams, if you define attrition as "really shitty basketball." At one point, the Heat went ten minutes without scoring a bucket, while the Knicks kept heaving three-pointers into the 400 level like the basketball had mysteriously morphed into a beehive whenever they touched it. Also, the Heat offense ran through Mike Miller at one point. That's turd-in-a-sack-of-doughnuts bad.
But then, in the fourth, Erik Spoelstra decided it was COBRADICK time and unleashed LeBron on everyone. LeBron came in and nailed a three-pointer right off the GO. He shot again, missed, grabbed his own rebound, and then decided to hit another three-pointer because only a mere mortal with just a normal penis (as opposed to a venomous snake penis) would take a two-pointer there. A two-point lead ballooned to a 66-56 lead, and all of those people who chanted "ASS-HOLE" earlier were now making for the exits with a spectacular pain in their anuses. LeBron outscored the entire Knicks team 17-10 in the fourth.
So far, this was the worst game the Heat has played in these playoffs. Yet they still dick-punched their opponent with LeBron and Wade combining 52 points, while getting solid scrappy play from Shane Battier, Udonis Haslem, and Joel Anthony. And while people such as Bill Simmons are busy writing 800,000-word articles as a sort of preemptive strike to sully and taint the accomplishment in case Miami wins it all this year, the Heat players are shutting out the noise and letting their cocks do the talking. (And, really, Simmons, an entire article about placing footnotes on winning a title because funky things happen? Funky shit happens in every sport, every year. Injuries, bad weather, football teams video taping opponents' practices, missed field goals, bad calls from refs and umpires, people reaching out for foul balls and home runs, quarterbacks getting injured, bad calls by coaches, missed free throws, missed penalty kicks, missed penalty shots, age -- all these things play a factor every single season in every sport -- and none of it taints a respective title. It's why we fucking watch sports, you dipshit. The only footnote that should be made for this year's NBA champs -- whomever it turns out to be -- is that they fought through and survived a brutal condensed schedule to end up on top. Jesus Christ, Bill Simmons is a monumental dickhole.)
There's a long way to go and lot of good teams to battle through, but the Heat looks like it has gone into serious FUCKTOWN Mode, even as one of its own is flying up and down the country to witness the birth of his child.
As for the Knicks, the Heat defense held them to just 32 percent shooting, with Carmelo Anthony going seven-for-23 on the night.
The Heat now hold a commanding 3-0 lead, with Game 4 coming up Sunday. Tip-off is at 3:30.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.