LeBron James, Heat Shut Up Smack-Talking Nets with 105-85 Win

During shootaround prior to last night's game, Brooklyn's pedestrian, no-rings, Dopey-headed fool of a starting power forward, Reggie Evans, ran off his mouth about how the Heat's championship "didn't count" because of the lockout and how LeBron James was no different then a lot of other players in the league.

Then about seven hours later, a giant cobra penis slithered into poor Reggie Evan's vicinity and decapitated him for his insane stupidity.

After a tough double-overtime loss to the Celtics on Sunday and a side trip to the White House (a place you will never, ever visit, Reggie Evans, unless the president is honoring his controversial 'Dopey Headed Fools of America' initiative), the Heat came out with their collective cocks SWANGIN' all over the freshly polished Barclay's Center. Shit was so crazy balls up for the Heat this game that MARIO FUCKING CHALMERS collected a rebound while his ass was on the floor and had the presence of mind to pass to a cutting D-Wade who then hit a corner fadeaway shot. Yeah, that happened!

Recently-acquired Chris 'Birdman' Andersen (fresh off signing his second 10-day contract for the Heat) also did some bonkers shit early in the game when he went nearly coast-to-coast on a fast break for a layup and an AND ONE. What the fuck?!?!

And as if THAT SHIT wasn't enough, then THIS happened:

Early on, it looked as though the Heat might have a bit of a challenge as New Jersey Brooklyn overcame a 30-20 first quarter Heat lead behind a 10-point quarter from Andray Blatche. The Nets managed to tie up the game 49-49 going into the half. The Heat then came out dicks-on-fire style in the third quarter and pummeled the Nets during a 24-5 run that had bored baby mamas texting on bedazzled Androids all over the Barclays Center. By the time the game reached the fourth quarter, a very loud 'Let's Go Heat' chant had already coronated the night's victors.

This was an overall crazy, batshit game for the Heat where everything went right. Shane Battier actually made a three-point shot months after we all thought it was buried in a cemetery on 8th Street, The Birdman contributed three points, five rebounds and a blocked shot in an efficient 10 minutes, The Big Three was rolling and Mario Chalmers didn't do anything remotely infuriating whilst even collecting a rebound on his ass.

Despite being a TOTALLY AVERAGE YAAAAWN player, King 'Cobradick' James had a sooooo boring 24 points on 10-of-18 shooting, nine rebounds and seven dishes. But, oh wait, yeah fuck you haters because that was just in 32 minutes as he spent the rest of the time admiring the Barclays Center's architecture, inquiring about The Vault champagne room, enjoying the choice cuts of beer in the club level '40/40' club and overall not giving a shit because we stomped all over the Nets again. For the third time this season. And for the 17th time straight.

Dwyane Wade added 21 points and All Star CB1 added 16 more. Reggie Evans ... well ... let's see ... one look at the box score and I'll have this for you. Oh. My. Well, perhaps this is an egregious error on the part of the NBA scorers but it seems Reggie had ZERO FUCKING POINTS, YOU TURD-FUCKING SHIT-HOARDER.

After the game, LeBron said: "You can't just come out and say something like that versus a champ. No one knows what it takes unless you've done it." As always, a classy response by LeBron when comically tried by a trifling fool. Reggie Evans doesn't know what it takes.

The Heat travel back to Indiana for a matchup on Friday night against the surging Pacers. Tip off is at 7 p.m.

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Roger Paul