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LeBron James and the Heat Extinguish Knicks, Move on to Eastern Conference Semis

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After losing Game 4 in New York, and after the Knicks celebrated with streamers and threw a parade down the Canyon of Heroes after winning their first playoff game in 4,024 days, the Miami Heat reminded everyone that it, in fact, is the better team and finally extinguished the Knicks from the playoffs last night in a 106-94 Game 5 win -- punching the Knicks, their insufferable fans, and this dickweed right in the pills.

People call that a "gentleman's sweep."


Dwyane Wade dropped 19 points, Chris Bosh also 19, and Bizarro Chalmers added ten, while Mike Miller and Shane Battier finally found their three-point shooting mojo.

And then there was LeBron James, whose entire existence seems to be dedicated to blowing everyone's shit up with his badassery. James scored 29 points on the Knicks last night while dishing out seven assists and grabbing eight rebounds. LeBron shot 48 percent from the floor in this series and was 100 percent cobra penis. And after last night's series-clinching cock slap over New York, James moved up on the list of potential series clinchers with a 28.3-points-per-game average. He's now fifth on the all-time list behind other ass-kicking luminaries such as Michael Jordan, Elgin Baylor, and the Logo, proving that not only is all that "LeBron isn't clutch!" talk just an oversize laundry sack of dried-out horse shit, but also everyone who has ever claimed James isn't a closer is either an angry, embittered dickhole who didn't get laid enough in college or is just a fucking mongoloid.

In this series, James not only beat Carmelo Anthony and sent him and his band of dickless cockhats on their merry way, but also completely annihilated the pre-series media narrative that this was "Melo's time" and that "Melo had the look of a winner while all the pressure was on LeBron." Sure, Carmelo Anthony is a superstar player who can score at will, and he and James put up almost identical scoring numbers in this series. But Anthony scored 35 points on 31 shots while getting one assist all night. You might not realize this, but unless you're playing a one-on-one best-of-seven tournament of H-O-R-S-E, that's a shitload of shots. James, meanwhile, put his ever-growing legendary skills of testicle-demolishing, ass-reaming badassery to good use and scored 29 points on 16 shots.

He also got his teammates involved with sick pinpoint cross-court passes that would make Dan Marino go, "Day-um!" James averaged 5.6 assists in this series while Melo averaged 2.2. LeBron also played monster defense and demonstrated over and over again that the size of his basketball IQ is only matched by the size of his dong. That's called efficiency. Or, as the Knicks would call it, "being fisted."

Meanwhile, D-Wade was up to his old tricks of being completely awesome. MV3 has sort of faded into the background this year as James has blown up on people's faces on his way to an MVP season. But that doesn't mean Wade isn't going to stop obliterating the competition with his balls-out kamikaze approach to the game. After going back into the locker room to fix his balls (we've all been there, amerite fellas?), Wade hit circus shots all night. Shots off the glass, shots in traffic, shots while contorting his body in mid-air, and at one point hitting a shot while strapped in a straightjacket hanging over a shark tank.

But Wade is more than just a human highlight reel of offense. Quite simply, Wade is the best shot-blocking guard anyone has ever seen in their entire lives. Last night he earned his 100th career playoff block and, even while playing with foul trouble, managed to smack the shit out of a Carmelo Anthony shot that may have sealed the game for the Heat.

So now the Heat move on to the Eastern conference semi-finals against a tough Indiana Pacers team. Many are expecting a physical series. Others, are expecting THUNDERDOME. This means James and Wade are going to need help from their bigs. It also means that Ronny Turiaf will have to go from being that crazy bearded dude that talks to himself on a street corner on Lincoln Road, to a guy who needs to take fouls and grab some rebounds. But mostly, it's going to mean more COBRADICK.

As for the Knicks and the New York media, they're left to wonder what it feels like to win a playoff series, wonder what the future holds and wonder if Jeremy Lin is the answer, all while bitching about how the Heat's PA guy said that Amar'e Stoudemire had been "extinguished" from the game after fouling out. Holy shitpants that's funny.

But Knicks fans are mad. They're calling Mike Biaimonte classless. Because only New Yorkers are allowed to do that. Maybe next time your star player shouldn't PUNCH GLASS like an asshole. You do anything as idiotic as punching an inanimate object that will inevitably become sharp and slice open your flesh and require several stitches, you deserve to be ceaselessly mocked, ridiculed and shit on in public. It's the American way, Knicks fan!

Game 1 of the best-of-seven series against the Pacers is on Sunday at the American Airlines Arena. Tipoff is at 3:30. Brunch with Mom, and then COBRADICK TIME.

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