A lot happened before the Miami Heat and Indiana Pacers even got their Eastern Conference semifinals going. For one thing, Pacers head coach Frank Vogel put on a fancy hat and proclaimed himself captain of the SS Douchetanic, and started inexplicably bitching about how the Heat are a bunch of floppers before the series even started.
Then, LeBron James was named the NBA's Most Valuable Player for the third time in four years.
Then, LeBron James picked up right where he left off from the last series, and proceeded to destroy Frank Vogel's team in a cataclysm of broken dreams and exploding assholes.
LeBron dropped 32 points and snatched 15 rebounds as he led the Heat to a 95-86 Game 1 victory. Dwyane Wade joined in the maelstrom of cock-kicking and contributed 29 points of his own. The duo outscored the entire Indiana Pacers franchise 42-38 in the second half. Because apparently they didn't get the memo that reads, "LeBron James and Dwyane Wade will never work together because they both demand the ball too much." Or maybe they did get it, but then tossed it into the Do Not Give A Single Solitary Fuck pile, along with hate mail, envelopes that say they've won the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes and Jehovah's Witness pamphlets.
However, not everything was awesome yesterday. The most un-awesome thing was Chris Bosh going down with an abdominal strain after he scored a dunk late in the first half. Bosh had scored 13 points for the Heat before crumpling to the ground and being helped to the locker room. He missed the entire second half and is scheduled for an MRI today to determine how bad the injury is.
For their part, Indiana came to play. The Pacers led for most of the game, save for a couple of times when the Heat took a 2-point lead. Indiana was relentless in the paint and with their defense. Part of this is because the Heat are slow starters, and also because the Pacers really don't have one go-to guy. With New York, the Heat knew they had to focus on Carmelo Anthony. But Indiana is like playing against that guy with the suit and sunglasses from the Matrix movies. THEY'RE THE SAME GUY! AND THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
And with Bosh's injury and the Heat bench playing like a bucket of dildos, it looked as if the Pacers were going to steal the first game of the series. But then the fourth quarter came. And you know what time that is.
LeBron relentlessly clubbed the Pacers in the face with his dong and scored 20 straight points in the fourth. With Bosh out, it was up to Miami's other bigs to step up. Joel Anthony had one of his best playoff showings in pretty much ever, throwing down 9 points and, in a refreshing change of pace, catching crisp passes from LeBron instead of having the ball ricochet off his croissant hands like he normally does. But the biggest boost came from Ronny Turiaf, who was forced to stop dancing and talking to himself on the sideline and go into the game to hack the shit out of the Pacers, grab rebounds, and yell profane things in French. Turiaf finished with four points -- both buckets coming off monster dunks.
And now.... RONNY TURIAF TALKS TRASH AND THEN BREAKS INTO DANCE: Episode One - Versus Frank Vogel:
Buoyed by LeBron's proficiency in laying waste to his enemies, the Heat defense picked up their shit, and held Indiana to 30 percent shooting in the second half, after allowing them to shoot for 50 percent during the first. Miami also attacked the basket more in the second half, putting the Pacers in early foul trouble. Seven of ten Pacers who played in this game found themselves tagged with two or more fouls before the game was over.
The Pacers kept coming though, hitting timely baskets and cutting the Heat's lead. But with 31 seconds remaining, LeBron said "Clutch this, cockrockets!" and nailed a dagger jumper, putting the Heat up 95-86, and sealing the Game 1 win for the Heat.
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Game 2 of the best-of-seven series is on Tuesday night at the American Airlines Arena. Tipoff is at 7 p.m.