Jezebel Attempts to Define "The Miami Bro," Gets It Kinda Wrong

In an attempt to distinguish various regional "bro" cultures from one another in "The United States of Bro," Jezebel has attempted to define the "Miami bro." In the rest of America (or as some Miamians calls it: America) the term "bro" carries a certain connotation. "An adult male whose social life revolves around collegiate homosocial bonding and who also presents himself in a way that assimilates to the prevailing aesthetic of men with similar socialization patterns," writes Jezebel.

Of course, as we all know the definition of "bro" is a bit different in Miami.

A rough definition of the word "bro" in Miami-Dade: Anyone of any age, race or gender who is being addressed by a younger (but not always) Miami-raised person of any gender who speaks with the Miami dialect.

Though patterns of use vary, in a sense, "bro" is sometimes more of an interjection in Miami than it is a noun.

Here's Jezebel's definition:

The Miami Bro

Uniform: Casual club wear. Sunglasses perched on forehead. Gym-hewn pecs.

Job: Real estate, or dad's company.

Intoxicant of choice: Vodka and Red Bull. Molly.

Hobbies: Hitting the gym. Starting sentences with the word "Bro" or "Man," which is pronounced in Miami like "Meng."

Habitat: Beach. Unnecessarily shiny cars idling for no reason. Yacht, though not necessarily his own.

Secret shame: Owns zero books and three Pitbull CDs.

Celeb brospiration: Enrique Iglesias

Oh, we've just been calling these people douchebags. The fact "bro" can be used so frequently in speech down here sometimes makes us forget that the rest of the country has a specific type of person in mind.

Of course, if we had to make our own definition for the Miami "bro" on these terms we'd probably come up with something like this.

Uniform: Dress shirt, never with a tie, always with one more button undone than should be. Or purposely underdressed in a t-shirt and jeans in what they perceive as a power move. Not uncommon to have one element of unnecessary shininess either through watch, chain, sunglasses, or a slightly bedazzled garment.

Job: Party promoter or something illegal.

Intoxicant of choice: Bottles.

Hobbies: DJing, sadly, alone in his bedroom with a rig he spent about $2,000 on before realizing he's not very good.

Habitat: The club.

Secret shame: Credit card debt. The slow realization that this parade of "hot" women, booze drugs, and gaudy material possession will never truly fill that hole in their heart.

Celeb brospiration: Roman Jones.

Of course, as is the case with Miami's population in general, Miami really is a true melting pot of bros.

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