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RIP, 2019 football season.
RIP, 2019 football season.
Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg

A Miamian's Survival Guide to Making It Through Another Lost Football Season

Life isn't fair, but being a football fan in Miami right now is beyond unfair. Between the Hurricanes' 0-2 start and the Dolphins' purposely inserting their team into the toilet bowl just to watch it circle the drain (see: 59-10 ass-kicking in Week 1), 2019 promises to be one big wet fart sound if you were expecting either team to contend for anything at all.

Rest in peace, 2019 football season. Gone far too soon.

Even though both the Canes and the Dolphins have died of dysentery early on in the Oregon Trail journey that is their football seasons, the games do not stop. It's a rule. Both teams must continue playing football. Of course, that means we must continue watching, so we might as well come up with a game plan to endure these next few months.

So here's a five-step guide for Miamians looking to make it through the rest of football season. Survive and advance. Before you know it, it'll be New Year's Eve and this will all be behind us. Stay safe out there.

Expect the outcome to crush your soul.
Expect the outcome to crush your soul.
Photo by Gmartnx

Hope for the best but definitely expect the worst


Rule

numero uno

in detaching yourself from painful letdowns following a Canes or Dolphins game is to expect the outcome to crush your soul. Therefore, when the outcome is less than hurtful, you feel better about it than you should. It's your classic underpromise/overdeliver scenario. It works.

Want to feel like a Dolphins loss wasn't all that bad? Expect them to lose by 50, like they did this past Sunday to the Ravens. Want to circle a faux-playoff game on the calendar that would make you ecstatic if they somehow won? Former coach Adam Gase and the New York Jets are set to face the Dolphins twice this season.

For Hurricanes fans, things are much easier. The schedule includes a lot of likely wins. Just don't expect the Hurricanes to get to the ACC Championship Game, or even a great bowl for that matter. If they end up surprising you, it's a bonus.

This season, make fun of yourselves.
This season, make fun of yourselves.
Photo by Christina Mendenhall

Try self-deprecating humor


Things aren't that serious. Miami fans are pretty good at finding humor in crushing defeat. Ask any Dolphins fan how they have made it through all these years of torture, and at some point they will tell you they laughed it off a long time ago and don't let the losing affect them anymore. This season, make fun of yourselves.

If the Hurricanes suck, just say they suck — don't spend all day on Twitter telling people they're actually good when you know it's a bald-faced lie. If the Dolphins lose by 60 because they're intentionally losing, just find the humor in them being the Bethune Cookman of the NFL this season. Your blood pressure will thank you.

Treat yourself.
Treat yourself.
Photo by Christina Mendenhall

Up your tailgate game so your weekends aren't a total loss


Want to make Sundays memorable (beyond remembering the Fins lost by 47)? Make a mean lobster roll at your tailgate that everyone will talk about for years. Trying to figure out why on Earth you would go see the Hurricanes beat up on Bethune Cookman this week? Throw it back to your college days and make some Jell-O shots for the pregame; then plan to hang out in the parking lot after the game later than usual.

In the end, football is all about entertainment. If it's not happening on the field, it might as well be happening in the parking lot next to your car. Spend a few more bucks and treat yourself. You deserve it.

Become an extremely super Heat fan.
Become an extremely super Heat fan.
Photo by George Martinez

Always remember: When all else fails, the Miami Heat will soon be here to rescue you


Think of the Miami Heat as a mixer and the football as a very cheap whiskey — the Heat is here to make even the worst thing palatable. The Heat is here to chase that shot of terribleness with Jimmy Butler and their fun little team. There may be no saving the Hurricanes' and Dolphins' seasons, but at least it won't be too long before the Heat gives you a hefty distraction from it all.

There are actual, real Heat games scheduled for next month! Soon training camp and the preseason will begin! This is your chance to be an extremely super Heat fan. This is the season to go from Great Heat Fan to Breaking-Down-Film Miami Heat Fan. Immerse yourself in the team's culture and ways; then check in on the football happenings for only a couple of hours every weekend.

Acceptance is a vital step in surviving a terrible season of football in Miami.
Acceptance is a vital step in surviving a terrible season of football in Miami.
Photo by Michele Eve Sandberg

Embrace the building processes


There's no getting around the Dolphins' dreadfulness this season, so embrace the meaning behind it:

the #TankForTua mission

. No matter how hard you cheer or get on your knees and pray, the Dolphins will not get better, so you might as well get with the program and enjoy the season of lowered expectations and stress levels.

For Hurricanes fans, this season is supposed to be one of a speedy rebuild under Manny Diaz. The Canes have secured some massive recruits (if they don't de-commit!), so the future in Coral Gables is bright as long as Diaz can coach himself out of a paper bag.

Acceptance is a vital step in surviving a terrible season of football in Miami. It will also just make you feel better Monday mornings. 

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