Homage to the Crappiest Corkscrew Ever Made

It was a dark and stormy night -- it was dark, anyway - and, feeling the strain of a long week weighing heavily upon me, I thought I'd savor a bit of the neighborhood vintage ('Septima,' Normandy Supermarket, $3.99, and it's good) before nodding off. Upon returning home with the bottle, however, I found my entire house bereft of a simple corkscrew with which to open it. I tried the gas station - nothing; I tried a convenience store across the street: toothbrushes it had, duct tape, screwdrivers, windshield wipers, but a corkscrew - no.

I nearly gave up in despair and was ready to proceed home and tear the cork to pieces with a screwdriver, if need be, when I happened upon a dimly lit convenience store on 71st Street that looked, just barely, like it was open. I walked in and asked for a corkscrew. The owner shook his head. But then he turned around and gazed at the wall behind the counter, It was covered in long-forgotten knick knacks of every description hanging from nails. Finally he reached up and pulled off the wall a plastic bag so thoroughly covered in dust it was opaque. After wiping away a line of filth with his finger, the man revealed that it was, to a greater or lesser extent, a corkscrew. He charged me three dollars for the thing, offering to take it out of the bag himself as part of the deal.

And so I walked out of that nameless shop with what I firmly believe was the worst corkscrew ever conceived. The handle was made of the cheapest plastic, pink with absurd plastic gilt trimming. The screw itself dangled loosely around a cheap flimsy hook - back home, when I had actually managed to sink the thing into the cork, the other end of the hook poked so ominously into my finger that I almost gave up before finally yanking the bottle open.

Yet even the world's shittiest corkscrew opened a half dozen bottles for me before finally leaving this world behind last weekend when, at the gentlest of tugs, the whole apparatus crumbled before my eyes.

Rest in peace, corkscrew - you let me drink, you made me laugh. -- Isaiah Thompson

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >