Heat Take Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals

The Miami Heat are three wins away from their second consecutive trip to the NBA Finals after taking down the Boston Celtics 93-79 last night.

And while the rest of the world seethes in furious anger in their unbridled and irrational hatred at this news, perhaps even blaming LeBron James for that guy that got his face eaten over the weekend, we bask in the goodness of Game 1 and all the happy good vibes it brings.

LeBron James was his usual badass self, dropping 32 points and grabbing 13 rebounds while blocking 3 shots and dishing out 3 assists. And had it not been for the Heat shooters refusing to stop dipping their balls in the soft serve ice cream machine with their abysmal three-point shooting, LeBron would have recorded himself a triple-double.

Still, LeBron brought down the hammer, going 13-for-22 while shutting down Paul Pierce with his kung-fu grip defense.

Dwyane Wade had a so-so night on offense (if you can call 22 points so-so). He went 8-for-13, which isn't D-Wade at his best. But where he lacked in offensive efficiency, he made up in totally balls out passes to his teammates, recording seven assists on crisp hot passes that would make Dan Marino shit.

Shane Battier, meanwhile, had what was probably his most productive all-around playoff game for the Heat, finishing with 10 points and 10 rebounds, while getting two assists, two steals, and a block, all while getting into the Celtics players' heads by explaining the length of the third side of an isosceles triangle and how it is drawn so that the same area as the above square and the two sides are equal to the square root of x.

Mike Miller also contributed, proving that he is still not quite dead and scoring 8 points and three rebounds, even as he continues to hobble around like he has a sunburned penis. At one point, Miller shot, rebounded his own miss, passed the ball to Wade, who shot and missed, rebounded Wade's miss, and then nailed a three pointer. Then he shuffled over to the sideline where he laid on his back. Miller is just a walking garbage bag of meat and bones, and yet is still kicking major ass in these playoffs.

But the night belonged to LeBron, who is just a man that eats gravel and scrap metal with a spoon, and then eats the spoon, and then craps metal shavings that are eventually collected to make wrecking balls, and then shows up to the arena and drops 30+ points on people's asses. It's even more gratifying when he does it against the Celtics, and that walking dickhead Kevin Garnett, who never shuts the fuck up and constantly begs to get his asshole kicked in on a nightly basis by a large foot. And last night, LeBron was that foot, literally getting the last laugh on KG and C's.

Sure, it's just one game. And it would be foolish to forget that while the Celtics are basically a walking Weekend At Bernie's marathon on USA Network, they're also a team that is capable mustering comebacks. They're not easily defeated. They're the undead!

But the important thing here is that Miami took Game 1 while making the most insufferable fan base in all of sports sad, which is awesome.


Yes, there was the matter of all those technical fouls. So let's address it here so you can all have a lukewarm Guinness or whatever the fuck hot rhino cum New Englander beer you throw down your shit hole, and we can be done with it.

1. The Celtics were given three technicals that could be deemed "questionable." But the Heat managed to get two points off those T's, and won the game by 14 points. The technicals had no bearing on the outcome.

2. Pierce, Allen and Garnett went 4-for-17 in the second half while LeBron and Wade went 12-for-18. The technicals didn't lose you this game, Boston. Your shitty play and LeBron and Wade's obliterating you in the face did.

3. The Celtics had an amazing second quarter, and shot 50 percent from the field in the first half. Then they came out for the second half and shot 39 percent. Ed Malloy didn't lose you this game, Boston. The Heat's defense repeatedly kicking you in the balls until you vomited your own spleens did.

Game 1 was sweet. But now the Heat needs to not do that thing where they flounder their way around the court and half-ass it until the lose and everybody panics and the rest of the world throws a parade with those beads you throw at the ladies so they show you their titties. Miami needs to continue to hit the gas petal and head into Boston with a 2-0 series lead.

Game 2 is on Wednesday at the American Airlines Arena. Tipoff is 8:30.

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