Just when the city of Cleveland thought the Cavaliers losing in the NBA Finals was all for naught, Nike comes along and saves the day with quite possibly the cheesiest LeBron James ad of all time. The excuse-filled piece of television is borderline embarrassing for all parties involved, including the way-too-small yellow font that did nothing to deserve its role in all of this nonsense.
As with LeBron's initial "I'm Coming Home" letter in Sports Illustrated last year announcing his return to Cleveland, people are somehow equally eating up this letter — because people are super-duper-dummy-suckers.
Except, that is, Miami Heat fans. Oh, no, no, no — Heat fans are not the rest of America when it comes to the LeBron PR phenomenon that continues to mind-bleep everyone who hated him just one Christmas ago. We are not LeBron James zombies.
The ad is the sort of thing you have to research before reacting to so that you're sure it's not satire. Step by step, the Nike LeBron fellatio ad goes down the list of things that happened in the finals, making sure to explain away each failure with an excuse. At the end of this ad, you half-expect Nike to announce a new pair of LeBron sneakers called the "LeBron James 13 What Had Happened X's" that come complete with a real-life LeBron excuse under each shoe tongue, like some sort of fortune cookie.
Just when you think it can't get any worse, the ad ends with an overdramatic tagline about how "Everything is earned in Cleveland" — as if every other city in America plays by alternate rules in a fairy-tale universe. Last time I checked, people in Miami worked just like people in Cleveland, except people in Miami get to keep a lot less of the money they earned because most of it goes to literally earning the right not to live in places like Middle-Earth-ass Cleveland.
Get over yourselves, Clevelanders. You don't work any harder than anyone else for anything. Your slogan is a farce. You're living a lie. You're only hurting your loved ones at this point.
Here is how the letter appeared in the Cleveland Plain Dealer:
Here is the transcript of the ad if you're like me and now need an Aleve because you tried to read that yellow text.
Imagine if LeBron came home to Cleveland.
Imagine if the team struggled early but finished the regular season strong.
Imagine if their big man went down, but they still found a way to power through the Eastern Conference.
Imagine if they faced the top seed in the Finals.
Imagine if they pushed Game 1 to overtime but lost another star to injury.
Imagine if everyone counted them out.
Imagine if they shocked the world and took the next two games.
Imagine if fatigue caught up with them, and they lost Games 4 and 5.
Imagine if they defied odds, logic and the basketball gods to come back and win the series in 7.
Except this isn’t Hollywood. It’s Cleveland.
Nothing is given. Everything is earned.
Just do it.
Ugh, imagine if I puked all over my balls out of pure ricochet embarrassment for the city of Cleveland. I'm assuming the last line, "Just do it," is like one of those Easter egg things that alludes to the fact that people in Cleveland should move, regardless of finances — just do it, ASAP.
The Warriors took a sack of nickels to the Cavs' ass during the last three games of the series, so how was it such a great story that the best player on the planet just so happened to be able to win a few games himself before taking his fourth loss in sixth chances in the NBA Finals?
It didn't take long for Miami Heat fans to make fun of the ridiculous Nike ad. Here are the some of the cleaner jokes that didn't involve LeBron James possibly wishing Delonte West a happy Father's Day.
Imagine if Lebron didn't recruit crappy teammates, imagine if LBJ let Coach Blatt do his job, imagine if LBJ didn't miss 20 shots a game.— Alex Boyce (@ABoyce_02) June 21, 2015
#Imagine if LeBron James left Miami for Cleveland, to get more help and not have to play more minutes like he wanted. Wait.— James Profetto (@JamesProfetto) June 21, 2015
Imagine if LeBron didn't cramp up against the Spurs— JDL (@fatboyfit305) June 21, 2015
Imagine if Kyrie Irving didn’t have the body of an 86 year old man.— Substitute Papi (@NotSubPoppy) June 21, 2015
Imagine if LeBron didn't take a 2 week vacation to refill his HGH— John P (@wade_county) June 21, 2015
“Imagine if Gloria James had balls. She would be LeBron’s father.”— JDigital ?? (@JDigital_) June 21, 2015
Imagine if LeBron scored more than 8 points in Game 4 of the '11 Finals— Mike Ryan (@MichaelRyanRuiz) June 21, 2015
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Imagine if JJ Barea wasn't the LeBron stopper— JDL (@fatboyfit305) June 21, 2015
Imagine Lebron playing polo on American Pharaoh— Colby M. (@ColbyMinor) June 21, 2015
Stop trying to make Cleveland a city people care about, Nike. Giving a crap about a city is earned, not given.