Here's a stat that you can print out, crumble into a ball, and shove up your ass: No team has ever won an NBA playoff game when their third-leading scorer dropped five or fewer points. Last night, Mario Chalmers scored five points on 2-of-10 shooting, Shane Battier scored five points on 1-of-2 shooting. Those were the highest scoring players for the Miami Heat not named LeBron James or Dwyane Wade. LeBron scored 28. Wade, 24. The rest of the Heat combined for 23 points.
And thus, the Heat fell 78-75 to the Indiana Pacers, tying the series at one game a piece and causing people to siphon gas from their cars this morning so that they can douse themselves with it and then play with the sparklers they were saving for Memorial Day weekend.
As we mentioned earlier this week, our greatest fear with Chris Bosh being sidelined with a strained abdominal muscle was that the rest of the team would be old lady diarrhea coming out of the espresso machine. And that's exactly what happened.
Of course, give credit where it's due. The Pacers took full advantage of Bosh's absence, and scored in the paint early and often. They also played some stellar defense down the stretch and hit timely shots. But Indiana had their moments of shittiness too. They had one stretch where they went 5-for-29 as a team, and were outscored by LeBron and Wade in the fourth quarter. But David West came up big with 16 points, and guys like Leandro Barbosa contributed nicely off the bench.
A complete team win for the Pacers.
Hat tips, hookers and blow jobs all around.
Haterz everywhere rejoice.
Of course, the real story of the day is going to be how, once again ZOMG! LEBON IZ SUCH A CHOKER!!!! because people have shit for brains and because the media loves to play this narrative every chance it gets. And so now with the series tied 1-1 and the Heat dropping a game by three points despite James and Wade combining for 52 points and the rest of the team playing like a bucket of camel vaginas, IT'S LEBRONAGEDDON!!!
So allow me to address those people for a minute here:
1. Did LeBron miss some key free throws last night? Yes. Should we be mad at him for this? Shit and yes we should. But is he a choker? Fuck and no and shut that fucking hole in your face. James finished with a game-high 28 points. He also bagged 9 rebounds and six steals. And here's something else: The dude played 43 minutes of basketball last night. That's a shitload of time away from the bench and an ice cold beverage. Your average NBA super star will log in far less time than that. And the whole point of subbing for LeBron is so he can come out in the fourth quarter and go all Cobradick on people. But when the rest of the team is one massive glazed cock donut, he has no time to be tired.
2. How quickly you've forgotten that James' fourth quarter saved the Heat's ass in Game 1 (and thus preventing a possible 0-2 deficit in this series). Not only did he play stellar defense against Indiana, he scored 20-straight points in the final period of that game. Think about that for one minute, cockface. Twenty straight points in the final quarter of a game, including a dagger jumper with 30 seconds remaining that sealed the victory. But miss a few free throws in Game 2 despite leading the team in every fucking category, including time-played, and he's suddenly Chokey McLimpdick? Eat a penis taco with that nonsense.
3. It's been over 20 years since a player put up the stat line LeBron did last night and still lost a playoff game. Again, this was about someone -- ANYONE -- outside of Wade stepping up and contributing. Instead, it was a two-man team against a ten man rotation. ASSBALLS.
4. The Heat are 1-for-22 on three-point shots in this series. They are now the first team in 18 years to shoot less than seven percent from the three point line in the playoffs.
5. Mike Miller is a slab of rotted meat with sneakers. Normally, a bionic man has his limbs replaced with mechanical robotic arms that can crush dump trucks and throw footballs over tall buildings. Miller's limbs have been replaced by dildos. Tough to dribble the ball and make shots and grab rebounds that way. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, DILDO HANDS!
6. The Pacers outscored Miami 16-10 in transition points. Translation: The Heat threw up bricks and then couldn't grab a rebound. LeBron and Wade can't do everything.
7. The Heat miss Chris Bosh. Period. Bosh is pretty much the only Heat player with a consistent mid-range shot. LeBron and Wade are slashers who earn their shit by attacking the rim. Without a capable shooter on the floor, things are going to be a pain in the asshole for the Heat for the remainder of this series. This doesn't mean the Heat will lose the series, but it means it's going to be a grind.
8. Shane Battier seems like he's on the cusp of breaking out. But he needs more touches. Are our playoff hopes suddenly in the hands of maybe Shane Battier hitting some shots? Oh sweet fancy Moses we're fucked.
9. James was completely gassed in the waning moments of the game. He can't do everything. And he can't be blamed for everything.
10. Wade missed a very makeable layup at the end.
The series is tied 1-1, so everyone needs to calm their shit because last we checked, you need to win four of these things to move on. We'll be fine. The Pacers are a tough, resilient team, and it's going to take more than Cobradick magic to get past them. It's going to take the rest of the Heat sacking up and playing big. That or just play LeBron four full quarters every night without a single minute of rest time and hope for the best. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!
Game 3 is at Indiana on Thursday. Tipoff is at 7 p.m.
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