Hard Knocks, Episode 2: Chad Johnson's Epic Groin-Kick to Dolphins Fans

Over the past decade, your Miami Dolphins have resembled a resident of Hiroshima that moved to Nagasaki during World War II to escape the likelihood of bombing. "It's probably much nicer and safer over there," your Dolphins say. Inevitably, they're pretty much screwed either way; it's always an emotional bloodbath.

So as David Garrard went down with a knee injury last Thursday (as we learned during this week's episode of Hard Knocks) from a seemingly harmless motion while watching his children frolic in the family pool, Chad Johnson Nagasaki-ed our nuts by getting arrested for domestic battery three days later (his first off-field issue! CHAMPIONS PRACTICE HERE!). Surprising? Hardly. But sooo fuckin' Dolphins of them even in a week where our QB Savior shined in live action against second- and third-teamers.

This week's installment of HBO's Hard Knocks was considerably more entertaining and climaxed with the moment most Dolphins fans and viewers had anticipated all week: the inevitable meeting between Coach Philbin and Johnson over his dismissal from the team. Let's hit the highlights:

- First, 'The Dismissal Scene': Dramatic TV, surely, and a side of football you rarely get to see. We all knew it would be awkward, strange and more uncomfortable than dipping your dad's sick, old balls in epsom salt but, man, Philbin's handling of it is even more unsettling! Philbin drummed on the padded leather armrests, circled around the topic gingerly, over-explained himself and seemed all around unsure of how to address this player that he clearly has nothing in common with on any level. That's kinda weird and all since, you know, HE'S THE FUCKING HEAD COACH AND HE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE PLEASES CONCERNING THE PLAYERS ON HIS TEAM but, you know, yeah ... let me proceed to make this exchange painstakingly longer and drawn out. I'll give The Dad from Stepbrothers points for handling the matter well in front of the team, however:

- The entire scene was very no-you-can't-date-my-daughter-she-doesn't-want-to-see-you-anymore-sorry but still made for interesting television. You can tell Chad felt bad about it (he started with a caveat about "buying into the program" and how he'd shut up after the "media thing") but it was never going to work. It's not me; it's you.

- Mike Sherman is on top of his shit and called out our TEs openly in a team meeting. Mike Sherman pisses on your carpet, lights a cigarette and farts out balls of fire. HE AIN'T CARE! He exudes Head Coach in a way that Philbin is not quite at yet and understandably so.

- The QBs: David Garrard is a non-factor (but don't you dare blame Jeff Ireland for bringing in a guy made of construction paper! IT'S NEVER HIS FAULT WHEN THINGS GO POORLY!), Matt Moore seems well-liked amongst the players and a genial dude (surprising for a puppet!) and Tannehill flashed some brilliance during the first preseason game (despite having to perform a rather, uhh, quasi-provocative version of 'Lean on Me' as part of his rookie hazing earlier in the week). Tannehill's singing performance was fuckin' weird to be sure, but he finally showed a sense of humor and personality which is more than I can say for the robot that was the former 'savior' of our franchise.

- Most sneaky-funny moment of the whole episode: Rookie Guard Josh Samuda for his oh-man-they-shaved-his-eyebrows-that-sucks-but-WHAT-THE-FUCK-THEY-SHAVED-A-COCK-AND-BALLS-ON-HIS-HEAD-HOLY-FUCK! revelation during a team meeting. The other haircuts are brutal as Hell aesthetically but there is real evil behind Samuda's 'do.

- OL coach/former Marine Jim Turner showed a sense of humor when he interrupted a dragging OL meeting to play the Dolphins Cheerleader's "Call Me Maybe" vid. Everyone immediately perked up and my penis saluted him with the form and aplomb of a hardened (PUNS! come get 'em!) veteran.

- Hard Knocks always brings its fastball via the hot player wife/girlfriend inclusions and this year is no slouch with a visibly-improved Lauren Tannehill in this episode (probably a million hotter girls walking around every day in Miami, sorry) and the real fuckin' STAR of this year's installment: Les Brown's girlfriend and Miss Utah 2011, Jamie Crandall. All penasia agree.

- Next week: Will Tannehill face the 1's in a game situation against Carolina this Friday? Which crappy receiver will make Sean Smith look much-improved? Will we finally get an extended look at this Reggie Bush, AKA LaMontell Pussyhammer??

What do you mean you've never seen an "ass closet"? You don't own one??? THAT'S RIDICULOUS!

Your Miami Dolphins play their second preseason game this Friday at 8 p.m. against the Carolina Panthers.

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