Before the Miami Heat took on the Lakers in Los Angeles Friday night, the team announced Dion Waiters, who has yet to set foot on the court for the team this season, would be inactive. That wasn't weird at all. Waiters has lost his minutes to rookies Tyler Herro and Kendrick Nunn, and his piss-poor reaction to being denied a starter immediately following his recovery from injury already has him in the team's doghouse.
What was weird was the reason Waiters would not be joining the club: He reportedly ate the edible to end all edibles and was tripping his balls off in a swanky hotel called the emergency room once the flight landed. At first, it was reported Waiters had an edible-induced seizure, but yesterday the news made much more sense: Waiters was freaking out because the edibles were set on Level: Expert.
Apparently, Waiters was enjoying himself so much in Denver that he decided to take a piece of the infamously kush-friendly city with him on the road through a stop in Phoenix and into Los Angeles. As if all of that wasn't enough, yesterday it was announced the Heat was suspending Waiters for ten games for conduct detrimental to the team. The Heat's managers believe the "one gummy" that sent him into outer space came from a teammate, but he won't tell them which one.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to #GummyGate. The call is coming from inside the house! This is like a murder-mystery cruise for millennials. It's a regular whodunnit!
Miami has levied a 10-game suspension on Waiters for “conduct detrimental to the team” off heels of incident where he had taken one ‘gummy‘ prior to boarding team plane, per sources. https://t.co/3YujvvfPXd— Shams Charania (@ShamsCharania) November 10, 2019
The Heat believe Waiters was given the “gummy” by a teammate, but Waiters has been reluctant and has decided not to say who provided it, sources tell @TheAthleticNBA @Stadium. Waiters has had a tumultuous series of events with Miami this season.— Shams Charania (@ShamsCharania) November 10, 2019
There are, of course, questions — so many questions. For instance, is popping edibles on flights between games a thing? Was this the first time Waiters had tried a gummy, or was it some sort of supersonic gummy meant for only the most seasoned edible kings? And, of course, we need to know which player is out there sliding edibles to a teammate who's already on the Heat's shit list.
Everyone is a suspect. Luckily, we have a lineup of suspects. Heat fans made their best guesses on Twitter last night. Guess the edibles-guy game! It's fun for all ages!
*goran dragic pulls a singular gummy out of the pocket of his armani exchange vest*— sant ambroeus before hoes (@rwxoxo) November 10, 2019
listen my friend, because you good guy, i give you just this one free
Power ranking the Heat players most likely to give Waiters the gummies:— I. Crawford-Ritchie (@ICR21) November 10, 2019
1 Kelly Olynyk
2 James Johnson
3 Jimmy Butler
4 Derrick Jones Jr.
5 Justice Winslow
6 Tyler Herro
7 Kendrick Nunn
8 Meyers Leonard
9 Bam Adebayo
10 Duncan Robinson
11 Udonis Haslem
12 Goran Dragic https://t.co/vmpgT4GOh3
James Johnson definitely gave Dion those gummies ???? pic.twitter.com/Jz5eZPAo7H— pickuphoop (@pickuphoop) November 10, 2019
Duncan Robinson is the plug. https://t.co/buOpot88MX— Ray-Buns Lifer (@benjam_n01) November 10, 2019
“It was Udonis Haslem, your honor” pic.twitter.com/91DUjAHb7W— Smalldair (@YosefPiperno) November 10, 2019
Tyler Herro gave him the strongest edible he had smh https://t.co/jLDOcpd0ZN— NUMBA 9 STAFFORD DA GOAT (@donotdisturbjay) November 10, 2019
Kendrick Nunn wants those minutes ???? https://t.co/zLKwOMlARp— Anthony Foley (@AMFilms_) November 10, 2019
dion: i cant really fuck with weed like that anymore man— sant ambroeus before hoes (@rwxoxo) November 10, 2019
meyers leonard: no bro you just haven’t found the right strain, try this gummy, it’s an indica
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Every answer that isn’t Kelly Olynyk is wrong. https://t.co/cDQ94hBgju— OKCTHUNDERAlex. (@OKCTHUNDERAlex) November 10, 2019
Jimmy Butler waking up Waiters when it’s game time and Dion is still rolling off the gummy he gave him pic.twitter.com/FOFiknOJ9y— Joey Linn (@joeylinn_) November 10, 2019
You can be sure Miami Heat managers will continue their investigation into this case, but it's quite possible that when they discover the identity of the edibles supplier, they'll want to research his recipe. If the entire team is eating gummies that have led to the Heat's impressive 6-3 start, surely they'd like to know about it.
It would be for research purposes only, of course, not for, like, unlabeled locker-room training-table snacks.