A whole lot of weird stuff happens in Florida. Every Friday, we're here to help you take a load off, procrastinate at work, and sort through the weirdest news of the week. Among other items: A man got so pissed at a flamingo — a real flamingo, not some cool-kid euphemism for something else — he slammed it to the ground and killed it. Also: A bunch of manatees got really kinky on a Pinellas County beach, and then a Florida woman then wrote a really uncomfortable essay about it.
Oh, and George Zimmerman got punched in the face again.
Exhibitionist Manatees Have Orgy in Front of Young Girl, Girl's Mom Publishes Totally Weird Story About It in Florida's Largest Newspaper
The following story is upsetting for two very different reasons.
One: A gang of male manatees shamelessly tried to bone a female manatee called "Big Mama" right in front of an underage human female.
Two: The girl's mom then wrote a really uncomfortable story about it in the Tampa Bay Times.
Manatees look like floating old people. And just like real old people, they're slow-moving, hang out on Florida beaches in the nude, and are apparently into all sorts of weird, swinging group sex. When Samantha Staley took her 8-year-old daughter to Fort De Soto Park in Pinellas County, near Tampa, they arrived to find a herd of manatees honking and rolling in an expanse of shallow water near the shoreline.
At first, the Staleys assumed the manatees were somehow in distress, but as the two beachgoers approached the throng, they realized the beasts weren't fighting — they were all battling for a chance to have sex with a large female, whom Staley chose to call "Big Mama."
Rather than sprint away in horror, Staley instead let her daughter swim alongside the manatee orgy and observe. Not simply content with acting as silent voyeurs to an animal gangbang, Staley took photos and published an icky, fan-fiction-style account of the entire ordeal in the Tampa Bay Times, Florida's largest newspaper:
"As my daughter went underwater with her swim goggles to get a better look, but being careful not to get too close, I stood in the shallows and marveled at Big Mama. With the exception of an occasional flick of her enormous tail, an indication that she was a bit annoyed with all the attention, she was nonetheless extraordinarily patient with the young bucks. Love was certainly in the water. But in a different way. There was no matchmaking happening here, but rather, as I watched [girl's name redacted to save her future embarrassment] absorb this incredible moment, I realized that the love here in these waters, was actually the start of what would surely become the most beautiful love of all… the love between a mother and child."
Nope. Never gonna unread that. Never.
Florida Man Body-Slams Helpless Flamingo at Busch Gardens Tampa Bay After It Looks at Him Weird
Flamingos don't really make sense. They're birds, but they spend most of their time standing on their stalk-like legs in shallow ponds instead of flying. They are naturally gray but turn pink only after eating tons of brine shrimp. It's often difficult to tell if a flamingo is a live bird, a lawn ornament, or a decorative mailbox.
Orlando's Joseph Corrao encountered a flamingo at Busch Gardens earlier this week. The flamingo, named Pinky, loved to dance, according to Busch Gardens spokesperson Karen Varga-Sinka, who spoke to Tampa's CBS10 TV station.
"Pinky liked to dance, and when she was getting the attention she wanted, she would dance in circles," Varga-Sinka said. "She was the sweetest thing."
Apparently offended by something Pinky said or did, Corrao solved this problem the only way a true Florida Man knows how: with violence. Witnesses say he grabbed the bird by the neck, hoisted the flamingo into the air, and slammed it onto the ground.
Corrao, 45, who had previously spent time in prison for shooting two of his neighbor's dogs, was arrested on felony charges of animal cruelty. Pinky, 19, had to be euthanized.
She began dancing at the age of 2, which, frankly, is the most innocent way New Times has ever written that sentence.
George Zimmerman Allegedly Brags About Killing Trayvon Martin, Gets Punched
Actually, none of this is weird. George Zimmerman should be in jail, and he seems hellbent on doing everything he can to get himself there. Seeing him walking and talking outside a prison cell is incongruous, like seeing a fish standing on its hind legs and smoking Pall Malls.
Since killing unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin and getting acquitted of murder charges in 2012, Zimmerman has been shot at, taunted Martin's parents, auctioned off the gun he used to kill Martin, pointed a shotgun at his now-ex-girlfriend, thrown a wine bottle at a woman, and altogether acted like a person who's dealing with some extreme guilt after killing a boy in a hoodie.
Zimmerman's latest stunt: Walking into a Sanford, Florida, restaurant, telling a stranger he liked his or her tattoos, and then bragging that he shot Martin.
"My name is George Zimmerman," he allegedly said to some strangers, according to witnesses. "You know, that guy who killed Trayvon Martin?"
Another patron apparently overheard the whole I'm-famous-for-killing-a-kid bit, whipped around, and punched Zimmerman in the face.
Though the person who swung at Zimmerman may face jail time because Zimmerman called the cops, President Barack Obama has since declared August 1 "National Punch George Zimmerman in the Face Day."
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.