It's been a long time since the Miami Dolphins won a playoff game. A very, very, long time. So long.
As the NFL season comes to a close this Sunday at 6:30 p.m. when the New England Patriots (sigh) and the Los Angeles Rams meet in Super Bowl LIII in Atlanta, we're reminded the Dolphins have not played in a Super Bowl since Dan Marino rocked a perm in 1984. They haven't even won a playoff game since December 2000, when they beat the Indianapolis Colts in overtime.
Yup — December 2000 was a long-ass time ago. How long? Here are a few depressing markers of just how crazy it is that the Dolphins haven't won a playoff game since then.
1. Nokia was blowing our freaking winds with their "smartphones." There were no iPhones in 2000. Nobody was taking a selfie after the Dolphins won. There were, however, Nokia phones. You know them, the ones that made you feel like you were calling in an airstrike from a bunker in Vietnam.
This is the phone we all had when Lamar Smith helped the Dolphins win their last playoff game. I'm so sorry.
2. Cast Away was in the movie theater. You had to buy a ticket to watch Cast Away back in December 2000. There isn't much else to say here other than that we've all seen this Tom Hanks classic a hundred times since the Dolphins won a playoff game, but back then you had to get in your car and drive for the experience.
3. Beyoncé wasn't even fully a thing yet. Destiny's Child's "Independent Women, Pt. 1" was the number one song in America in December 2000. Beyoncé was still in a group and stuff. She wasn't even Beyoncé yet! I mean, she was, but she wasn't that Beyoncé.
By the time the Dolphins win a playoff game again, Beyoncé and Jay-Z might live in the White House. Say it's impossible. You can't.
4. Bill Clinton was president of the United States of America. The last time the Dolphins won a playoff game, Bill Clinton was in the White House. The end. Nothing else to add here.
5. This was the best the internet had to offer in 2000. Getting online in the year 2000 was a miracle. It was legitimately amazing to break through reality and find yourself ONLINE in 2000. That leads us to the next item on this list.
6. There is almost no record of the Dolphins 2000 playoff win on YouTube. Outside of some NFL Films videos, this one dude who apparently recorded himself watching the last Dolphins playoff win with a camcorder is the one true video uploaded on YouTube.
These days if Steph Curry farts a basketball from midcourt into the net, there are 50 YouTube videos of it in five minutes. The Dolphins playoff successes are as old as VHS tapes.
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7. This new Kia Sportage was amazing in 2000. The car above was probably purchased for thousands — if not millions — of people for Christmas right around the time the Dolphins last won a playoff game. It was shiny and new. Look at this commercial! The 2000 Kia Sportage was hot!
There are maybe ten of these still on the road in 2019. They likely have 200,000 miles by now. That means — quite literally — there could be a Dolphins fan somewhere who listened to that win on his car radio.
If you see him, tell him to keep his head up and give him a hug.