| Sports |

Florida's Ten Worst High-School Mascots

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Ah, high school -- easier times for most of us. Our daily concerns back then seem so insignificant now. Your biggest worry was making sure you weren't bored and somehow stayed awake through terrible classes. Also, most things that were hilarious back then don't seem so funny anymore.

Our compilation of Florida's ten worst high-school mascots is not one of those things, however. These are real mascots that range from ridiculous to asinine to downright not intimidating. Some of these schools must have good reasons for their choices, but that won't stop us from laughing about it.

10. The Conchs -- Key West High School

Let's begin with pointing out the obvious fact that being "the Conchs" is not exactly the greatest brag at a track meet. Conchs are sea snails. Is there anyone afraid of a snail? You could bury me in a roomful of snails, and my worst problem would be that it smells like ass in there. Leave me in said room for a week, and you would return to find I ate the shit out of them and I'm just fine. You know why I was able to kill them all? Because they can't even defend themselves. If you are something I can pick up and punt into the ocean, you are not intimidating; you're a rock with a booger inside.

9. The Ambassadors -- Broward Christian High School

"Hey, man, you don't want to sack me. Let's talk this out." Nothing like being named for a nonviolent person with "ass" right there in the word. KICK THEIR ASS, AMBASS... uhh... dors!" I'm sure there is some sort of history behind this, but for now they just sound like a bunch of guys who keep score, not dominate on the playing field. WE KEEP SCORE! WE TALK IT OUT!

8. The Disciples -- Hendley Christian High School

At least here the teams will have Jesus on their side. The whole "be a leader, not a follower" talk doesn't exactly fly, though.

7. The Kowboys -- Osceola High School

This is just unnecessary. Either someone was getting cute spelling "cowboy," or they are named after an "employee who does metal polishing in a shop," and either way, it's weird. I fully expect at some point a Kardashian to name her son Kowboy.

6. The Brahmans -- Okeechobee High

Nothing strikes fear in an opposing team like the image of a Hindu priest or a pot-smoking 17-year-old skateboarder saying, "You wanna hit this, Brahman?" What are the girls' teams called -- Brahwomen?

5. The Flying L's -- Fort Lauderdale High

I have some history with this one, having gone to Coral Springs High (Colts -- normal) and competed against the storied "Flying Losers." Naming your team after a flying member of the alphabet is Sesame Street enough, but combine the fact that said letter is universally known as the symbol for a loss, and you just get a recipe for opponent-mocking. I picture "Handi-Man" as the Flying L guy. If you don't know who Handi-Man is, YouTube him and thank me later.

4. Fighting Tarpons -- Charlotte High School (Punta Gorda)

You already know why this was a bad idea. If you don't, read the name again. High-school kids will find anything funny that rhymes with your name, and "the Fighting Tampons" is not only an awesome visual but also freaking hilarious. The chant "Let's go Tampons" will haunt these kids forever, and rightfully so. On the bright side, if a tampon does get into a fight, odds are it won't need a Band-Aid.

3. Sand Crabs -- Sea Breeze High

A crab that is no larger than your thumb and hides all day. I mean, should the team just forfeit? A sand crab can move only backward, which is completely the wrong fact to bring up during your football squad's last-minute drive. Sand crabs are often used as bait, which might be the worst thing about all of this, because bait has a winless all-time record.

2. Hi-Tides -- Miami Beach Senior High

We are the Hi-Tides, and we aren't going anywhere! Well, we eventually will, but not because you told us to -- because of the gravitational pull of the moon. But we will be back!

1. The Hoboes -- Laurel Hill High

Not to be confused with "hobo," the term "hoboe" is described as someone who works hard but wanders and travels between jobs, so that's better, I guess. It's not exactly the most intimidating thing to be all like, "We are gonna kick your ass so hard and then wander!" But that seems to be what they are going for here. "Fight, Hoboes, fight!" just sounds messed up, like you're encouraging a Homeless Fight Club or something. I suppose it is pretty badass that they can say "throw dem Hoboes," though.

So those are my ten worst mascots in the Sunshine State. Feel free to disagree or to educate me on the true, enlightened meanings of the ones I've mangled. If you went to one of these schools, I'm deeply sorry and would love to hear how you dealt with the backlash.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.