| Humor |

Florida Prisoner Caught Eating "Meth-Drizzled" Drawings of the Sun

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A lot of weird stuff happens in Florida. Most of those things tend to involve meth, alcohol, or combinations thereof. Every Friday, we bring you the three weirdest stories of the week. This week: A dark reminder that hard drugs and Scotch will get you nowhere in life, save the New Times website.

Inmate Caught Eating "Meth-Drizzled" Drawings of the Sun

This story is less an indictment of Florida's meth addicts than it is a knock on the Bay County Sheriff's  mail-security experts, who apparently noticed that an inmate was receiving crude, hand-drawn images of the sun for a short time and didn't immediately suspect they might not be kosher.

Turns out that when 27-year-old Bay County inmate Robert Daniel Eanes was caught shoving those drawings into his mouth, he was not exercising his rights as a sun-worshipping pagan. Instead, he was literally eating pieces of paper that were so drenched in meth they would actually get him high. 

Eventually, corrections officers started to think something was amiss and began monitoring his phone calls. The authorities say they caught him telling two accomplices how to get the meth past the guards. (Apparently, "try literally anything" works as a tactic.) All three have now been charged with smuggling contraband into a prison.

Thank God the cops caught him before he drew a picture of a gun and threatened the guards with it.

Correction: This article has been updated to show the inmate was being held in a Bay County jail, not a state prison

"Extremely Intoxicated" Fort Lauderdale Officer Punches Cop While Holding Infant

Cops, babies, and Floridians are pretty much the three most danger-prone demographics in America, so mixing the three together with some champagne and Johnnie Walker will almost always result in hijinks worthy of a Sammy Hagar song.

In a tale ripped straight from the pages of the Red Rocker himself, police say off-duty Fort Lauderdale cop David Knapp, age 33, downed some champagne at Fort Lauderdale's Coconuts Restaurant last October 20, got drunk enough to do some shopping, and then stopped by the Ritz-Carlton bar to suck down three "Johnnie Walker Black Label drinks" with his wife. He then grabbed his infant child and headed for the bathroom, only to instead wind up in a restricted portion of the parking garage. 

He never quite made it inside a car: Fellow (on-duty) cop Fernando Ramirez found Knapp wandering through the Ritz-Carlton parking lot around 9 p.m. and asked him what was going on.

Knapp responded by flipping off the cop and punching him twice in the face, all while holding the baby in his arms. The cop who subdued Knapp said the drunk man dropped both the baby and his handgun during the fight, though Ramirez pulled the child from Knapp's arms.

Though Knapp's wife had no idea where her husband had gone with the baby, she will now know exactly where he'll be for the next 20 days: suspended.

Couple Caught Having Sex in Publix Parking Lot While Third Person Watched

At Publix, shopping is a pleasure. Everyone knows that. But the Florida supermarket chain's reputation as a hedonistic Shangri-La apparently extends to its parking lots, where Eustis Police say three people got so worked up over Pub subs that one woman gave a guy oral sex while another woman watched from the back seat. With the windows down. Three parking spots from the front entrance.

Jason Ronald Saurette, age 44, and a woman named Spring Ladawn Aiken were charged with disorderly conduct, and Saurette was also — hold onto your hat — charged with possession of methamphetamine. Because being a perv isn't illegal, police charged the woman in the back only with possession of drug paraphernalia.

Yeah, this is gross, but is it that much worse than the rich Miamians who carry their tiny dogs into the store and let them drool all over the watermelons?

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