Hero Florida Mosquitoes Migrated to D.C. and Are Biting Lawmakers, Study Says

You would be forgiven if you assumed New Times was a staunchly anti-mosquito news outlet, what with all the stories its reporters have written about battling tropical diseases such as Zika, chikungunya, and dengue. But as of today, New Times is now ardently pro-mosquito: According to Yale researchers, a group of Aedes aegypti mosquitoes somehow migrated all the way to Washington, D.C., and has been biting residents "near Capitol Hill" for the past six years.

"Near Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C., a population of mosquitoes capable of transmitting tropical diseases is hunkering down for a sixth straight winter," a Yale news release reads. "A new study of this group of Aedes aegypti shows they originated in Florida and, unlike their brethren in warmer climes, survive in storm drains until emerging again in spring."

Honestly, this is the most positive news story of 2017. In a year when our special gelatinous oaf of a president farted his way toward nuclear war, a neo-Nazi murdered a civil rights protester, black-eyed psychopaths dismantled the Environmental Protection Agency, and the State Department and the Department of Housing and Urban Development are the last wheezing vestiges of the social safety net, this is the story Americans needed at the end of this year.

We have zero qualms about cheerleading a swarm of pissed-off mosquitoes that took it upon themselves to bite Paul fucking Ryan right in the back of the knee while he's running stairs between drafting Obamacare repeal packages. We hope he scratches until he bleeds. We hope Mitch McConnell is forced to bathe in so much insect repellant that his grandchildren won't hug him anymore because of the smell. We hope bugs infest the birthday cake that Tom Cotton eats every day like a lunatic. We hope the mosquito cloud carries Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and Al Franken and basically every other sitting lawmaker away, and we don't care where they go.

Realistically, the migration of Aedes aegypti mosquitoes is mostly bad. Mosquitoes are the deadliest animal to humans in the world, plus a whole lot of nonlawmakers live in D.C. The study, which was published in the American Journal of Tropical Medicine and Hygiene, tracked the genetic makeup of D.C.'s Aedes aegypti mosquitoes directly back to Florida and warned that the appearance of the insects as north as the nation's capital might be a bad sign for the future, especially as the planet continues to warm.

The study compared the mitochondrial DNA of the D.C. mosquitoes to those from Miami, Key West, Palm Beach, western Georgia, southern Mexico, and Costa Rica — and found that the South Florida skeeters were the closest match.

Data "suggest that cryptic underground habitats, such as storm drains or tunnels, are the likely site of overwintering by the Capitol Hill population," the study reads. "Aedes aegypti using storm drains as a larval site has been documented elsewhere in Brazil, Mexico, California, and Arizona."

The study also notes these mosquitoes apparently live underground in a pitch-dark sewer, just like Miami's other major export to D.C., Sen. Marco Rubio.

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